Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I'm Tellin' Ya'll It's Sabotage!

The other day Gordon told me that it feels like I've been trying to sabotage our relationship since we put somewhat of a label on it. We had been fighting a lot the past week, and he was stressed and frustrated. Of course I'm trying to sabotage, it's a pretty common BPD feature, but despite what he thinks it has little to do with the label and more to do with closeness and intimacy.

Chances are, even if we weren't "dating" I'd still go into sabotaging mode. Mostly because we were getting intimate and I was developing feelings. More so, however, it's about my inner turmoil and what I feel that I deserve and don't deserve.  I feel like I don't deserve someone who will treat me well. I recently had a conversation with a friend who also has BPD. The following is a reply I sent to something she said, and I think it sums up this situation and my emotions pretty well.

"You know if I said this someone they would probably reply "it's your Borderline that doesn't think you deserve him"....but I get it, I really really do. Because we know ourselves, we know how difficult we can be, and as much as we drain people and people are judgmental; we probably judge and drain ourselves the most. It's really difficult to live with ourselves sometimes, so why would anyone else want to?"

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