Friday, March 20, 2015

Blink of an Eye

"For someone who is so black and white you sure see a lot of gray that isn't there."

This was said to me by Gordon after I took something he said the wrong way. What he doesn't realize is this is exactly what Borderline B&W thinking or splitting is. By me taking everything he says out of context I am creating a negative devaluation image of him. He is now "bad Gordon" and everything he says is against me and to hurt me. Even the most innocent of comments will be twisted around to seem evil and malicious.

Obviously the best course is to stop, take a breath, and consider that this is not the case. However, with external BPD behavior comes the internal battle. The feeling of guilt and shame. Feelings so overwhelming the only way to combat them (in the Borderline's mind) is to lash out even more externally.

This is also paired with stress related paranoia; a symptom of BPD that can be very scary for the sufferer. This is usually when I feel most trapped inside my own head.

I am sometimes amazed at how quickly my mood can change. In the blink of an eye. This is where BPD gets confused with Bipolar. I've literally gone from happy, upbeat, confident, and in a great mood to angry, bitter, depressed, and like all my confidence and positive energy was drained in the blink of an eye. From hot to cold with no in between. Even rapid cycling bipolars do not experience mood shifts this frequent.

I've been practicing more yoga and trying my best to implementing DBT skills, but the hardest thing for me is learning not to rely on outside validation. I'm still dwelling about what happened with Gordon and I recognize this is my BPD still at work; not wanting to move on.

It's scary. Every time I have an outburst I wonder, "did I just blow it? Is Gordon slowly becoming uninterested in me? Is this the straw that broke the camel's back?"

Then more panic, more worry.

Outside I'm silent, but inside I'm screaming.

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