Monday, February 9, 2015

What's The Tally Count?

I really getting sick of this shit. I feel like people are constantly abandoning me. Fist it was Pete and now I find out two friends I really thought I could count on are giving up on me. At least that's what it feels like.

The first friend doesn't feel "safe" because of some stuff I posted. Most people who know me, know I post to vent and I would never hurt anyone. So what did she do? Just cut off contact without warning or talking to me or explaining. She said, "when you repeatedly exhibit behaviors which are dangerous to yourself when you are around me, I question how beneficial I am to you."

Ummmm, I remember having a panic attack (which I can't control) and my friend helping me get through it. She actually was beneficial to me since she was probably the only nearby friend I had. It also feels like she's telling me, "I'm judging you by your struggle, not by the progress you've made." She claims she's proud she's proud I'm making strides to better myself. Yet, she can't be my friend right now or we need to "take a step back" as she says.

Then I find out today that another friend I thought understood me has unfriended me. She claims, "I just don't think it was okay to go to al anon meetings which is supposed to be a safe space without the best intentions." WTF? This is actually really offensive to me. I've been nothing but positive about going and having it help me. Is it cause I walked out because I was too anxious? Is it cause I'm choosing to make DBT a priority? Why would someone say something like that?

This angers me because this is now two people who have unfriended me without warning or explanation when they both know how I'm going through with Pete. I'm sure I'm overreacting, but it just feels like more abandonment than I can deal with right now.

This is what I am talking about. I hit a rough patch and suddenly all of my progress is erased. Well you know what? "The only person who has the right to judge my progress is me." If I allow others to validate me I am going to end up very unhappy.

BPD is a lonely disorder. I've lost so many close friends just in the past few years. Right now it feels like getting kicked while I'm down.

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