Thursday, February 26, 2015

The War

Thing are starting to settle down. I've moved in with a friend, and it's been a much more comfortable environment. He's known me for a few years and knows what I deal with. He's understanding and in fact told me I'm much more chill in person (ha!). In retrospect I should have made this move a while ago, but I hate change. I was comfortable where I was, but I wasn't happy. There was nothing for me and it was time to move on and be where I belong. Things have moved along well and I've been able to situate myself quicker than I expected. Right now my biggest worry is finding a job.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about Pete, a new boy, and the extreme inner conflict I feel.

Pete abandon me, he cut off contact with me, and he left me confused and hurt. We are not together and I certainly owe him nothing. I can be with who I want, kiss who I want, date who I want, flirt with who I want. I. Owe. Pete. Nothing. At least that's the logical thought process, but do you really think it's that simple? If you did, then please start this BPD journey with me over again ;)

My roommate and I have fooled around a few times. Nothing too far; kissing, some light touching, semi-naked cuddling. When we're doing it, it feels great and I like it a lot; even want to do more, but then emotion mind sets in and all hell breaks lose in my head. Bullet point thought time!

  • This used to be what Pete and I did (Really? Cause I'm never cuddled with anyone but him ::eye roll).
  • What if Pete finds out and I've ruined my only chance of him ever talking to me again?
  • ::All memories of Pete come flooding into my head::
Next I get sad, depressed, have nighmaresI long for Pete, I break promises (I told myself I wouldn't contact him until 3/1 and I caved), and in an extreme case I disassociated and almost self-harmed (I started to). This is what people don't understand. The people who tell me to just, "move on." They don't understand the horrible inner conflict I deal with. Then what ends up happening is I feel like I've forced myself to do something when I'm not ready. It took me a year to be intimate with someone else when J broke up with me, and I was ready and I didn't feel like I was forcing myself to do it cause everyone around me said I should.

But deep down I know what this is about. It's about letting go. It's about knowing deep down that's I'm letting go of Pete, at least part of me is; but part of me isn't ready for that and I'm willing to bet you know which part. She's clinging, fighting, screaming, and refuses to accept this.

This is the war. This is the battle. In my head. Every day.

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