Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Manipulation

Often times people with BPD are accused of being manipulative. We are, but not on purpose.

Remember I talked about those "frantic efforts"? That's where manipulation comes in. We will stop at nothing to avoid abandonment and it often comes across as manipulation, but I promise we aren't doing it on purpose and we are not always aware. You see when we are in emotion mind we suffer from dissociation and memory lapses.

We also feel regret and guilt over our actions easily and because of the memory issues it can come across as if we are lying and trying to cover up.

I delete stuff online because I am often regretful, but to try and explain my actions would both be difficult and illicit more guilt.

The other issue is I have issues reading long comments online (especially when using my phone) & everything gets confusing and overwhelming and leads to me deleting things or flipping out.

I've been dealing with target 1 behavior, lying about hurting myself, and being in the ER.

It's not manipulation. It's literally BPD at work. It's frantic efforts, emotion mind going haywire.

Am I condoning the behavior? No, just that I am still working on controlling parts of my disorder. I had a plan with my therapist for DBT, but now I can no longer to through with it. And that is devastating. Especially with everything going on. A DBT refresher would have done me well.

I was accused of running scams because I had multiple GoFundMe accounts. This is because I've deleted emails attached and forgot logins. My situation has changed so much and even for me it's hard to keep track in a linear fashion.

Everything in my head is in overdrive, I'm overwhelmed and very emotionally vulnerable.

1 comment:

  1. When I read about your life I feel like I am reading my own journal. It is terrifying- yet refreshing. I'm completely intrigued. I really recommend trying a DBT workbook that you do at your own pace. You just have to make yourself do it. I have been putting it off for a couple years and I have now just started it and it is amazing. I have a book I could recommend. Please consider it, supposibly it is the only effective treatment along with therapy and meds.

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