Sunday, February 1, 2015

Let It Go

For those unaware Pete has not spoken to me since NYE. While I'm sure it has to do with my "intensity" and "caring too much," he ceased speaking to me after reassuring me we were friends; stating, "let's plan to talk by the end of the week. Call me after work Friday."; and saying we could hang out by the end of January.
I feel like I did not fully enjoy the things I did in January because he was constantly in my head. I've sent him dozens upon dozens of text messages varying between angry, sad, confused, and desperate; I've sent him photos and video messages; I've messaged his friends (including her) and his family; and I've called him a tad bit less than I've text (though his vm isn't set up.) I even texted him from my other phone pretending to be someone else. Finally, I set a card to his house.
I've laid awake, barely sleeping; I've barely had the strength to get out of bed; I've ended up in the hospital; I've walked out of meetings; I flipped out in a therapy session. All because of him and the thoughts he brings me. I've tried many times to give it closure, to walk away and say "this is when I stop contacting him." But every time, I always go back. Usually when it's late at night, when I have nothing to distract from my thoughts. During the day is okay. There are some days I'm fine, and some days I'm just trying to fight to keep him off my mind and everything seems like a daze. I've tried to be consistent with my routine, but I haven't always been successful. I've heard nothing from him in a month, and the only way I know he's not dead is because of a friend that was kind enough to chat with me via text. I question everything now. Every word he said to me, every reassurance, everything he told me about his friendship, about us. I question it all.
Think I'm being a "nut job" or a "psycho ex." This is the disorder. This is the darkest parts of BPD. This is the main reason I'm in therapy, this is why I have night terrors, this is the part of my brain that I battle the hardest. He took the most vulnerable parts of this disorder and he toyed with them.
I'm an understanding person. I know he has issues of his own. I also know, however, that even when he was really low he still contacted me. He still said something. What he is doing now is the worst possible thing you can do to someone like me. After everything we've been through, after all I put up with, after all the times I stood by him (even when he himself said he didn't deserve it), after all the care I gave him, and after all the reassurance he gave me that we were still friends....he abandon me.
Was I perfect? No. I know I'm intense and draining and I push people away. But to lie to me after making me trust him again after the way he broke up with me? Then to just do this. I'm sorry, but it's just cruel. I don't want to call him that because I know he has severe issues. But it's to the point where I can't even stand to be alone. I go to my meetings because of him now (ironically he was the one who suggested them, but for other reasons). This is the part of my disorder that I am ashamed of, that has earned me names like, "attention whore," "stalker," psycho," and "drama queen." This is text book BPD.
So now I've decided no more. For real. It's a new month and I'm not going to continue to let my year be ruined by someone who isn't even here. Who didn't even reply when I was in the hospital. Who couldn't even tell a worried sick friend that he was okay and he just needed some space. He completely abandon me after making me trust him. After he knew how scared I was of losing him. I know people are going to say that I pushed him away, and maybe I did. The difference? Every person I ever pushed away at least said something to me, or I knew why.
So no more texting, no more contacting people he knows. Whatever they think of me is not my concern. It really says something when no one, not even his friends will let me know how he's doing or what's going on. I allowed him to take up too much of my mind when he was around and he caused me a lot of pain. I'm not going to allow him to do it when he's not even around. I have a big heart and I'm a forgiving person. If he chooses to speak to me again, I will certainly be open to it. But for now, I'm not going to chase him.
I'm just hurt, upset, angry, and confused. I'm having a lot of trouble letting go, but I know I have to. No matter how many times I cry myself to sleep, I have to let go.
I've sent apology emails to the people I've contacted, and tomorrow I'm mailing his belonging back to him.

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