Sunday, February 8, 2015

Lamenting Frustrations

As someone with mental illness these are some of the things that frustrate me. Some are specific to BPD and some are mental illness in general.

  • The feeling that I'm not allowed to struggle. Too many times I've hit a rough patch, and people have treated me (or implied) like all the progress I had made is now null and void. It's like I hit the "go back to start space" on a board game. Judge me by the long run, not the short spurts.
  • When people don't explain why they are upset with me. Look, it may seem like I'm trying to play dumb, but I have severe memory issues. A lot of times I won't exactly black out, but I will sort of disassociate. This means after when my mind is clear I may not remember something I said or did. If I ask please explain. Please do not say something like, "you know what you did!" I also have issues with retreating memory in a linear way. So while it may seem like I'm lying it's just that I'm having trouble remembering things in order.
  • People who do things knowing it's going to trigger my BPD. If I'm dealing with someone who just cut off contact with me for know reason and you know I need support, please don't go and do the same exact thing to me!
I recently got the "Self-Care" journal by Rachelle Abellar. It's filled with exercises for creativity, self-esteem, coping skills, and more. I've been working on a few pages each day and night. I really like it a lot!

I start my group DBT this coming week. I've had a rough month, but I'm hopeful things will get better soon. I think maybe I needed to go through a breakdown to have more clarity? I'm a strong person and I've been through a lot on my own, but I always make it through. I'm proud of that. I'm proud of how far I've come. Even if other people don't recognize it.

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