Tuesday, February 17, 2015

From the Beginning

I just spent about an hour typing up this long explanation of my situation and proof gone so already I'm pissed. Let's try this again.

I was dating this guy who was a dry drunk (dry 4 years now). He had tremendous depression and anxiety issues that went untreated. He would sleep for hours a day, cancel plans last minute, & told me that he has avoided talking to people he has not spoken to in years because he's ashamed he hasn't replied to them in so long (ie-people he knew in Cameroon and England).

Up until the day he broke up with me he made me believe everything was fine (he wanted me to be as happy as long as possible). He even lied about the weekend he was going to Utah to visit his family because it was the same weekend we were supposed to go away for the weekend. He told me it was the weekend before and so I spent that entire weekend believing he was in Utah. The Thursday before we were supposed to go away I was at his house, but he said I couldn't stay over cause his sister was staying so she could meet up with friends the next day. The next day (Fri) the day we were supposed to leave for our trip, I heard nothing from him until I got a FB message stating he was in Utah and had lied about the weekend and broke up with me.

I talked to him a few days later and forgave him and we continued to hang out a few days later as intimate friends. He moved about an hour and a half away on Dec 1st (back to his parent's) & I was worried I wouldn't see him as much (I was only 20 mins away before). So of course I needed constant reassurance.

We ended up hanging out at his place around Dec 13th. This was after a week of him avoiding communication because stuff had gone wrong and instead of communicating he avoided. We ended up having a nice time despite all that. We made possible plans for the following Thursday and he said to call him Mon (12/15). I heard nothing from him until Tues & he said he avoided me cause he got a job which started weds which meant he had to cancel our plans. I was annoyed because he was supposed to help me move.

He knows he has issues and I think he gets more ashamed when I point out stuff. So the next day we talk again (my birthday) & after that I hear nothing for days. Im extremely concerned because he had always been good at telling me when he needed space or was not doing well. Finally he replied and said that he couldn't deal with my intensity and I cared too much and he needed space. I asked him how long and he told me to give him about a week.

The next time we spoke was new years eve and we caught up. He told me we could hang out by the end of Jan and told me to call him that Fri. That's the last time I heard from him.

Of course in true BPD fashion I sent him multiple texts pleading with him to say something. Going between begging for mercy and being angry. No reply even when it was business related or I was in the hospital. I would then go days with no contact & even sent a card to his house as "closure". But then I texted him more and even contacted his friends and family (they all said he was doing fine).

On Feb 5th I had a severe breakdown (due to many things) & ended up inpatient for a night. When I got out I commited to not trying to contact him until 3/1 (small goals). I even Shipped his stuff back to him. I texted him once (from my new number) on 2/14 with a simple "happy valentines day" & did not say it was me.

Then things got really bad. Car taken away, kicked out, forced to move to a different state, no job, no money or income, friends who I thought were supportive abandoning me & I can no longer begin the year long DBT I had commited and signed a contract for (note: I have been through DBT multiple times, know many skills, have incredible awareness and insight of my disorder, & have been in individual therapy. Despite what people think ive made tremendous progression. Of course the fact I have reflective clarity and am able to discuss which symptoms of my disorder are affecting me it means im using it as a crutch. I know when my BPD affects my behavior and I often feel tremendous regret and talked about it in therapy. I often know when I'm doing something wrong but that emotion mind takes over and I still struggle in the moment. But after I can discuss it very well. Of course I feel shame, guilt, & embarrassment.)

So I gave in. I sent him this text last night:

"Hi this is ____ I got a new number. I don't expect you to reply, but I at least wanted you to have my new number. Things are bad, no, more crazy and stressful and bad. I'm trying to handle it as best I can, but it seems like the universe keeps s******* on me. I sent you your stuff. I hope you got it. I wasn't going to try and text you until March, but I feel so alone right now I wish I had you to talk to. I suspect you have problems of your own. I just could use a friend, I've been abandoned by people I thought were my friends. I probably did some stupid things that caused you to be irritated with me, and I'm sorry. I've just been dealing with a lot, probably the worst time in my life in years and I wasn't always thinking clearly. I hope you can forgive me. anyway, I hope you will consider talking to me I could use a miracle right now or something good to happen to me. Because some really bad stuff has been happening to me. Well anyway, hope you are well and work is good. "

He hasn't responded, & I don't know why I am surprised. He didn't even respond when I told him I was in the emergency room. Now, this is not the first time that I've been through something where people have stopped talking to me for long amounts of time. The difference is those other people I either knew why or they told me. And they certainly didn't end our last interaction by telling me "let's get together and let's talk by the end of the week" and making me believe everything was okay.

I'm really struggling a lot with this. Partly because I feel weak for giving in, partly because I miss him a lot, and partly because I don't want him knowing that I'm doing so bad. Because I have no idea what's going on with him I just picture him thriving and doing well and me not doing so well and him rubbing it in. Now let me make this perfectly clear he is not that type of person at all, in fact he's not a bad person at all. He has a lot of issues and he knows that I struggle with stuff and when he can he's been supportive. And I've been very supportive of him. Probably a little bit too supportive.

It's just really difficult. Because of course now I am beating myself up for giving in and for letting him know that I'm not doing well because I don't want him to have that satisfaction. And I miss him a lot. This is the part of my disorder that affects me the most and that I have the biggest struggle with, abandonment issues. So I guess that's what's been going on I'm sorry if any of this is confusing and if you have questions I'll be glad to answer. But the one thing I am asking is please do not bad mouth him or trash him because he's not a bad person I promise.

I've been doing things like yoga and writing in my journal and my blog, but because things are so bad right now I've been very vulnerable lately and it's easier for me to give into temptation. Especially in the moment especially when there are no distractions.

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