Thursday, January 29, 2015

Got a Long List of Ex-Lovers, They'll Tell You I'm Insane

I do my best to manage the symptoms of my disorder, but there is still one with which I continue to struggle with; "Frantic avoid real or imagined abandonment." This is especially true when it comes to my romantic relationships, even when they no longer exist. Okay, let me back up a bit. I get that people don't like rejection, I get that people don't like feeling abandon. No one likes those feelings. That's not the type of rejection and abandonment that people with BPD deal with inside of their heads.

Have you ever had a friend cancel plans on you last minute? I'm sure you have, it happens to everyone. How did you feel? Maybe disappointed, perhaps a bit annoyed, but ultimately you probably got over it and rescheduled. For someone with BPD the feelings are much more intense. Canceling plans may as well be the same as never talking to me again. I've been overcome with intense feelings of sadness, despair, worry, and paranoia in these situations. On the flip side if I hang out with someone I have to make plans to see them again before we say our goodbyes. Why? Because I'm afraid if I don't, I will never see them again. This isn't true for every single person I know; personally for me it's true for the person I'm in a relationship with or at the least have intimate relations with. I know, I know. It's complicated.

I'm intense, I'm draining, and I'm extremely emotionally needy and dependent. I feel if I let up for even a moment it will give the person a chance to "escape," but the behavior is usually what ends up pushing them away. I'm terrible with the concept of, "space." Space?! But if I give you space you will forget about me! This is the imagined abandonment that I mentioned early. What are the frantic efforts, you may ask? Well, you know all the "crazy ex girlfriend" stories you hear? About an ex receiving dozens of texts in a day? Or their former lover driving past their house? It may seem like something for you to mock and make fun of, but this is what it's like to be trapped in the head of a borderline. I've done these things and worse; and again this was when I was experiencing imagined abandonment. Boyfriend didn't call when he said he would? Let me drive by his house and text him twenty times.

It's been a month since he's talked to me. No calls, no texts, no emails. Nothing. Complete silence, and I'm letting it affect me. He's distance himself from me, and I'm allowing it to consume my mind. Emotionally I'm having a hard time letting go. The biggest thing that caused me stress in 2014 is continuing to cause me stress in 2015 and they aren't around.

I start full DBT soon, and I have a new therapist. I gave myself physical closure (I sent him a card which is more personal than texting). Now I just need to work on emotional closure. I'm not saying everything in my life is peachy, but him not talking to me is definitely a major stressor and it heightens the other stressors in my life.

No more.

1 comment:

  1. I completely identify with every word u have written here, every feeling you describe and I'm so glad you're sharing it all! This is the 1st time I've ever read about someone else feeling/thinking just like me!