Sunday, January 4, 2015

Accentuate The Positive

The mindfulness aspect of DBT teaches that life is about positive and negative things happening at varying degrees. Mindfulness teaches to accept those negative moments. Not to dwell on them, but also not to ignore them. Right now I am dealing with some of the most difficult situations a person with BPD can deal with (stuff revolving around relationships and the unknown). A couple of says ago, I was getting really discouraged and down on myself because I thought I was failing. This is what the disorder does, it tends to latch on to the negative and make it overpower the positive. Then I remembered that my sponsor told me I am not aiming for perfection, just progress. I took this along with one of my 2015 life lessons, "don't let someone else's invalidation become my validation," and decided to focus on the positive. Those who deal with mental illness know how much the positive, no matter how small, counts.

Despite my disorder throwing the worst at me I've still managed to get up nearly every morning and talk to my hire power, say the acceptance prayer, do a morning yoga routine, and do an ab workout. I've also gone to all of my support meetings. This is big because in the past when things were tough, I would often just skip doing these things. It was always easy to do them when life was going well.

The other day I went on a couple of dates with someone. It didn't work out, but I was proud of being able to get out there instead of dwelling. The last time I was broken up with it took me a year to even be intimate with someone else.

I've started to go out dancing again. I've gone to 3 clubs in the past couple of weeks and have plans to go to more. No, I'm not going to justify me going dancing and doing something that makes me happy to any judgmental people who may be reading this. I stayed away from the clubs for too long because of who I might see there, when I went to Ceremony I remembered how much I love being at goth clubs.

Arisia is coming up and despite the fact I'm not on panels, I'm really excited. I also managed to find free crash space thanks to nothing but the kindness of others. I won't be able to buy anything in the dealers room, but I'll still be able to enjoy the rest of the con without worrying about commuting back and forth. One of the best parts of staying in the hotel is being able to walk around in the middle of the night. Oh and 24/7 Starbucks.

I've been really aggressive in my job search and I'm confident I'm going to find something soon.

I have been getting out of the house and enjoying different atmospheres. This includes going to Boston and catching up with an old friend.

I've been able to keep up on chores and housework, even when I just wanted to give up.

The hardest thing for me is to do things when my brain tell me to just forget it. When dealing with depression or mental illness in general, sometimes getting out of bed is an achievement. The other night I almost skipped my mental illness support group meeting, but I pushed myself to go.

Most important I've been trying to be kind to myself and forgive myself if I struggle. After all, the only person who has the right to judge my progress, is me.

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