Friday, January 30, 2015

The Queer Folk: A Poem

You stand in the street
Preaching that he loves everyone
See some guys kissing

And they've betrayed the holy son
When did we turn out this way
Teaching that it's not okay to be gay
Separation of church and state
If it were true, that shit would be great
But the state wants to hate and the church condemns
Just cause she likes her and he likes men

Bullies see a kid with a rainbow flag
Come up behind him shouting

You mother fucking fag
Tolerance isn't there as the kid screams and begs
While ignorance carves faggot in his leg
Most people don't want to waste their time
Turn up their noses when they hear hate crime

Though you can't change the spots of a leopard
I hope we remember Matthew Shepard
Live your life and do what you do
Cause who he loves doesn't affect you
Tolerance needs to be taught
And teaching our kids is the only hope we got
Hope that tomorrow won't be filled with hate
No ignorance towards who our peers date

The closet will be open
And this fear will be broken
You say loving everyone was his word
I guess exceptions were made and that shit's absurd

People's eyes will open and soon they will see
You can't change a person or who they want to be
This battle is fought every day

For the right to be okay to be gay
There is a state that started something great
I hope everyone remembers the date
Massachusetts started the score
Making history in 2004

Limit: A Poem

Pushed to the limit, standing at the brink
Racing to the edge of a knife
Not knowing how to think
Darkness nipping at my life

Two minds racing, a hijacking of thoughts
A black and white explosion
The grey is desperately sought
In a rising pool of emotion

An emotional strong hold of a rational plea
Faded outer scars stay fresh within
The pool turns into a sea
As I reflect on what could have been

Gripping, crushing, nowhere to turn
Bold blacks swallow fading whites
The inner scars begin to burn
Threatening to show the outer scars light

I struggle for breath
In an emotional ocean so vast
The waves, a tug-o-war with death
But I know I'll make it

'Cause like the waves, this too shall pass

The Sociopath & Me: A Poem

Emotions can define a person

Either they don’t exist

Or they are our only reason

Oh, I could make a list

This, my friends, is the key

Of the tale of the sociopath and me

My Emotions over flow every day

No matter how I try to hide

Unemotional in every way

A blank slate is all you’ll find

That’s what I’ve come to know about he

And there you have The sociopath and me

Emotions uncontrollable

Emotions at a stalemate

Emotions inconsolable

No emotions, only hate

Emotions shut off so easily

Emotions differ greatly between the sociopath and me

Heart open wide

Heart black as night

Smile because I mean it

Smile as if he means it

Those are difference you’ll see

Between the sociopath and me

I am Worrisome and frantic

He is Realistic yet calming

He is nearly psychopathic

I find everything alarming

He’s Influential in ways he’ll never see

That’s what the sociopath does to me

I wonder if things will change

Has he always been shut down

I wonder if it’ll always be the same

Has there ever been an emotion to be found

I wonder if this is how it’ll always be

I wonder what the sociopath sees in me

All of my heart given to him

All of his heart shut down

Forever my emotions never returned

Forever he will never see

But that’s the downfall

Of the sociopath and me

Mary: A Poem

Mary had an infectious smile
It shined from coast to coast
And everywhere that Mary went
Her friends were sure to go

They followed her religiously
But there was something they couldn't see
Mary had a big smile that no one could deny
But no one knew the pain that Mary felt inside

In school she'd put on a show
That not one person saw
But what's the use in being popular
If she still felt all alone

Mary had a lot of friends
But not one she could trust
So Mary's feelings were swept away
Just like a cloud of dust

Mary's pain grew and grew
Her smile began to fade
There were thoughts she could not construe
And it chipped away the charade

Mary got a rope one day
She coiled it thirteen times
Tied it to a beam above
Left a note someone was sure to find

The pain she felt she couldn't take
She silently began to pray
She said her life was a big mistake
Then she kicked that chair away

Mary had an infectious smile
That depression took away
At her grave friends hit their knees
For Mary had pain that they could now plainly see

Blind Love: A Poem

If my heart listened to my brain
It would hear what it had to say
I know you want to fall, but it's just not the right time.”
My brain would keep my heart in check
Only allowing it to love when the stars were aligned
But my heart just doesn't listen
It outright ignores my head
I'll love when I want, and I'll love who I want”
If my heart listened to my brain
It would hear its pleas
Please, you're going to get hurt. This isn't worth the pain.”But my heart is sadistic
The rest of me its unwilling slave

If my brain listened to my heart
It would hear it say, “just give in. You always do anyway.”
Just let me take over, because you know I'm in charge”
My heart is strong, yes it's true
Which is why I can't stop loving you
If my heart listened to my brain
It wouldn't let this love occur
Because my heart would hear my brain say,
He'll never love you the way he loves her.”
But my heart doesn't care, it's stubborn that way
Even when my brain whispers, “It's her that he'll love 'til his dying day.”

What my brain tells my heart
My heart doesn't want to hear
It charges off on its own
Not thinking of the outcome of the ride
Bringing my brain along, for a love suicide
No matter how many times my heart loses
No matter how much it's broken, shattered, torn from my chest
It always comes back, because my heart is obsessed

So heart, don't listen to my brain
Every ounce of love is always worth the pain
They say love is blind
When everything is gone, it's all we'll have left

But what I really think, is that love is deaf.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Got a Long List of Ex-Lovers, They'll Tell You I'm Insane

I do my best to manage the symptoms of my disorder, but there is still one with which I continue to struggle with; "Frantic avoid real or imagined abandonment." This is especially true when it comes to my romantic relationships, even when they no longer exist. Okay, let me back up a bit. I get that people don't like rejection, I get that people don't like feeling abandon. No one likes those feelings. That's not the type of rejection and abandonment that people with BPD deal with inside of their heads.

Have you ever had a friend cancel plans on you last minute? I'm sure you have, it happens to everyone. How did you feel? Maybe disappointed, perhaps a bit annoyed, but ultimately you probably got over it and rescheduled. For someone with BPD the feelings are much more intense. Canceling plans may as well be the same as never talking to me again. I've been overcome with intense feelings of sadness, despair, worry, and paranoia in these situations. On the flip side if I hang out with someone I have to make plans to see them again before we say our goodbyes. Why? Because I'm afraid if I don't, I will never see them again. This isn't true for every single person I know; personally for me it's true for the person I'm in a relationship with or at the least have intimate relations with. I know, I know. It's complicated.

I'm intense, I'm draining, and I'm extremely emotionally needy and dependent. I feel if I let up for even a moment it will give the person a chance to "escape," but the behavior is usually what ends up pushing them away. I'm terrible with the concept of, "space." Space?! But if I give you space you will forget about me! This is the imagined abandonment that I mentioned early. What are the frantic efforts, you may ask? Well, you know all the "crazy ex girlfriend" stories you hear? About an ex receiving dozens of texts in a day? Or their former lover driving past their house? It may seem like something for you to mock and make fun of, but this is what it's like to be trapped in the head of a borderline. I've done these things and worse; and again this was when I was experiencing imagined abandonment. Boyfriend didn't call when he said he would? Let me drive by his house and text him twenty times.

It's been a month since he's talked to me. No calls, no texts, no emails. Nothing. Complete silence, and I'm letting it affect me. He's distance himself from me, and I'm allowing it to consume my mind. Emotionally I'm having a hard time letting go. The biggest thing that caused me stress in 2014 is continuing to cause me stress in 2015 and they aren't around.

I start full DBT soon, and I have a new therapist. I gave myself physical closure (I sent him a card which is more personal than texting). Now I just need to work on emotional closure. I'm not saying everything in my life is peachy, but him not talking to me is definitely a major stressor and it heightens the other stressors in my life.

No more.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Notes From Therapy

I saw my therapist today for the first time in a couple of weeks. The appointment came at a time when, frankly, I really needed it. Trying to live one day at a time came be difficult when the future hangs in the balance.  Suffice to say, talking with my therapist shined some light onto my someone dark day.

Right now I am going through orientation with him to prep for full-DBT come February. One of the first things he explained to me is that due to his DBT caseload I will have to change therapists once I start the program. He asked me how I felt and after I told him, he said he was really impressed that I was able to stay in wise mind as well as label my emotions in a non-judgmental way. He told me that he's going to miss working with me and one of the things he really likes about me is that no matter how bad things get I'm always willing to do the work. He said that the whole time he's worked with me, I've always been 100% about the treatment and that's refreshing.

So what will full DBT look like? It will consist of the following components.
  • Individual therapy
  • Skills group
  • Coaching calls
  • Medication
  • Consults (for the therapist)
From now until I start I have to keep daily diary cards which tracks things like suicidal behaviors, drug and alcohol use (obviously not an issue for me), and if I've experienced specific emotions within a 24 hour period. The goal of the first year is to eliminate target one behavior. Target one is suicidal behavior. For me this includes actions and (as my therapist and I agreed on), suicidal speech (things like posting to Facebook, telling people I'm going to kill myself. This does not include genuinely asking a friend for help.) If I engage in target one behavior I lose access to my therapist via phone/coaching calls for 24 hours. I still have access to backups, and I can still go to any appointments that may be scheduled in that time frame.

During individual therapy my therapist will go over my diary card for the week and depending on how it's filled out, will first need to address the following three things (lower target numbers take priority. So, 1>2, 2>3)

Target 1: As talked about this is suicidal behavior (includes self-harm)
Target 2: Therapy interfering behaviors. This includes things like not showing up, not doing my homework, lying or omitting things.
Target 3: Quality of life issues (losing a job, relationships, etc). These are things that could potentially trigger target 1 and 2 behaviors.

I also talked to my therapist about the work I've been doing outside of therapy and he was very impressed, and approved of it. He liked that I was taking initiative and keeping busy.

I really needed this session.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Accentuate The Positive

The mindfulness aspect of DBT teaches that life is about positive and negative things happening at varying degrees. Mindfulness teaches to accept those negative moments. Not to dwell on them, but also not to ignore them. Right now I am dealing with some of the most difficult situations a person with BPD can deal with (stuff revolving around relationships and the unknown). A couple of says ago, I was getting really discouraged and down on myself because I thought I was failing. This is what the disorder does, it tends to latch on to the negative and make it overpower the positive. Then I remembered that my sponsor told me I am not aiming for perfection, just progress. I took this along with one of my 2015 life lessons, "don't let someone else's invalidation become my validation," and decided to focus on the positive. Those who deal with mental illness know how much the positive, no matter how small, counts.

Despite my disorder throwing the worst at me I've still managed to get up nearly every morning and talk to my hire power, say the acceptance prayer, do a morning yoga routine, and do an ab workout. I've also gone to all of my support meetings. This is big because in the past when things were tough, I would often just skip doing these things. It was always easy to do them when life was going well.

The other day I went on a couple of dates with someone. It didn't work out, but I was proud of being able to get out there instead of dwelling. The last time I was broken up with it took me a year to even be intimate with someone else.

I've started to go out dancing again. I've gone to 3 clubs in the past couple of weeks and have plans to go to more. No, I'm not going to justify me going dancing and doing something that makes me happy to any judgmental people who may be reading this. I stayed away from the clubs for too long because of who I might see there, when I went to Ceremony I remembered how much I love being at goth clubs.

Arisia is coming up and despite the fact I'm not on panels, I'm really excited. I also managed to find free crash space thanks to nothing but the kindness of others. I won't be able to buy anything in the dealers room, but I'll still be able to enjoy the rest of the con without worrying about commuting back and forth. One of the best parts of staying in the hotel is being able to walk around in the middle of the night. Oh and 24/7 Starbucks.

I've been really aggressive in my job search and I'm confident I'm going to find something soon.

I have been getting out of the house and enjoying different atmospheres. This includes going to Boston and catching up with an old friend.

I've been able to keep up on chores and housework, even when I just wanted to give up.

The hardest thing for me is to do things when my brain tell me to just forget it. When dealing with depression or mental illness in general, sometimes getting out of bed is an achievement. The other night I almost skipped my mental illness support group meeting, but I pushed myself to go.

Most important I've been trying to be kind to myself and forgive myself if I struggle. After all, the only person who has the right to judge my progress, is me.