Sunday, December 21, 2014

Moving On

Pete hasn't spoken to me since Thursday night (save for one text which I will get to in a moment). Last we had a conversation was on my birthday (the 17th). We were supposed to talk on Thursday, but he had had a bad day and wasn't up for it, and said we could talk the following night. It wasn't until Saturday afternoon that he text me after frantic efforts to get in touch with him (telling him was worried about him). What did he say? "I'm fine." That's it, no follow up and he hasn't said anything since.

I've stressed myself up thinking of every scenario and reason why he isn't talking to me and I finally just gave up. I admit, it's still on my mind, but I haven't contacted him since yesterday afternoon. Maybe this is a good thing. Let's face it, the major thing that was causing me stress, anxiety, worry, and depression the past couple of weeks was him.

I try to be forgiving of him. I know he's got a lot of issues and we've talked about them. I understand him in a way an outsider wouldn't, but I need to (as selfish as this sounds) think about myself. It's hard to admit, but I generally do better when he isn't around (case in point, the month we had no contact with each other). I do try to cling on, but once the wave of rejection/abandonment passes I'm pretty good at picking up the pieces.

In the past few days I've:

-Gone for a walk in Mines Falls
-Worked on my book
-Did two interviews for my podcast
-Did major job searching
-Got errands done
-Visited my Aunt (the one with dementia)
-Started doing morning yoga, ab workout, and meditation

Over the past few weeks I've:

-Started going to a mental illness support group
-Started going to Al-Anon
-Started going to a 12-step all women's meeting (I determined that the 12-steps can be helpful to me as a person who used to self harm).

I noticed as soon as I stopped worrying about what Pete was doing, as soon as I stopped contacting him, I began to feel more confident and less trapped. It happened as soon as I let go of T, as soon as I let go of J. When I don't allow another person to consume me I'm pretty kick ass.

But it still sucks. It sucks not knowing. It sucks especially cause this is what M did to me. He just stopped talking to me one day with no explanation. I'm hoping that Pete will talk to me again. He is my friend and I'd hate to see the friendship end, especially with no explanation. But until he contacts me I'm going to live my life.

It's all I can do.

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