Friday, November 7, 2014

Self-Sabotage

One of the more difficult things that people with BPD deal with is self-sabotage. This usually happens when we are dealing with perceived rejection or abandonment. The fear is so strong, so gripping, that we will stop at nothing to avoid it ("frantic efforts to avoid real or imagine abandonment"). Often what happens though is we end up being our own down fall.

For example: someone cancels plans last minute. As people with BPD we see this as rejection, even though deep down we know it's not. We might do something like beg and plead that person to reconsider. Get angry, lash out at them, then call and text over and over. We may then start to feel guilty and panic because they aren't replying. We may then text them more, apologizing, frantically panicking. Until eventually the person just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. They weren't angry, but now they are and it was our own doing. It was self-sabotage.

I bring this up because it's something I've been thinking about after something happened this week. Pete and I had made plans to hang out on Wednesday. On Tuesday I ended up getting the afternoon off from work. I texted him to see if I could ride with him to his home town where he had to vote and then watch the election results with him. I wanted to created a "perfect" scenario where I could "prove" to him that I could be chill and not be intense (because one of the reasons he broke up with me was because of my intensity). He texted me back and told me that he couldn't because he was already on his way. Instead of just saying, "okay" or even asking what time he'd be back (because maybe we could at least watch the results together) I reacted in extreme emotion mind. I sent him several very angry texts, followed by several apologetic texts, followed by several self-hating texts. This caused him to cancel our plans for Wednesday because he was really upset about the things I said.

When I saw him on Thursday and we talked, I explained that I wanted to show him that I can not be intense. He told me that in doing so I was basically my own downfall (not in those exact words, but that was the gist). He was absolutely right. I was so obsessed with creating the perfect scenario that I didn't realize my chance was in the way I reacted when I was told no.

He still cares about me, and he told me that when we're together he can see us being with each other again, but it's the in between that makes him not want to be with me. It's when I freak when he doesn't reply to my texts, when I have a melt down because he doesn't want to hang, things like that.

Right now I am trying to deal with the fact that he's going to be moving back home at the end of the month. My BPD has been creating all sorts of scenarios in my head and making me very overwhelmed. I'm afraid I'll never see him again, I'm afraid he'll find another girl and forget all about me.

Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Who cares? He broke up with you. You shouldn't be so obsessed with getting back with him." That's exactly my point. If we are ever going to get back together he needs to see that I can be chill during the "in between."

I need to focus on me, enjoy time I have with him, and trust that if it's meant to be it will be. Because everything else is just self-sabotage.

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