Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Realizations

I have a habit of worrying about things that are absolutely out of my control. When I was with J  and we broke up all I could think about was getting back with him, and I was so worried about what would happened if I didn't. Then one day I just didn't care anymore.

Pete and I have been hanging out, and it's obvious we both have feelings for each other. We talked last night, and he isn't ready to date anyone, let alone me again. He told me that I do have another chance with him, just not within the next couple of months. He says we are more than friends. Of course I have all these questions in my head.

Does he really mean that? Is he just saying that to make me happy? Is he saying that in hopes I find someone new and forget him? Will I see him when he moves? Am I going to waste years of my life waiting for him? Should I bother holding out? Should I just start dating someone new?

Then I realized, why do I care? Honestly, why am I worried about this? When I started dating (ironically Pete) someone else after J it happened because I was ready, and I wasn't pining for J anymore. Right now I don't want to date simply cause I'm not ready, and Pete supports that. He said even if I hated him and never wanted to see him again it would still make sense that I didn't want to jump into dating again.

Right now I just want to be with Pete, but the person I will be six months from now isn't the person I will be today. It may work out with Pete and it may not, but by the time I figure out it's not going to work I may have moved on or may be with another person.

I think what worries and bothers me the most is the thought of having to "start over" in a relationship. I have about 8-9 years to get married and have kids and if it takes me another 2 years to find someone new, plus a couple more to determine if they are the one...well now I'm 36. It worries me and makes me nervous.

But, like I keep saying I am going to focus on my career and being happy with me.

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