Tuesday, November 25, 2014

How Do I Talk To You!?!

Recently I posted a status asking what the three rules of gun safety are. I had asked because I was having a conversation with my roommates and we were discussing it, and I couldn't remember one of them. I got my answer within the first couple of comments so I told people, "thank you that's what I needed." However people kept on commenting with what they thought I was looking for without reading the other comments seeing that I had what I needed. I got a little bit annoyed and I commented, "OMG stop!"

One of my  "friends" comes in and comments that, "maybe I shouldn't be owning a gun if I get so easily upset over something."  This triggered me because I was not even talking about wanting to own a gun, and if anyone knows me they know I have strong views when it comes to mentally ill people and guns (re: mental illness does not always equal crazed person who should not own a gun cause they will shoot up a school). After some back and forth comments he suggested I delete the status since I had the information I was seeking, so I did. I ended up deleting the status, since I had the information I needed.

Then the "friend" comments and tells me that I'm "a piece of work "and I am "unfit to own a gun." Not once did I ever say that I was going to buy a gun or I was interested in one ,or anything like that. So I didn't see how his comment was relevant. Then he just kept poking at me when I was clearly triggered and escalated, and I lost my temper and lashed out. Am I proud of the way I lashed out? No of course not. But even after he saw me clearly upset he kept saying things like, "you're a child," "everything you touch you destroy," "you're not doing well."

 I'm not saying that people have to walk on eggshells around me. But if I'm swearing and lashing out at you, the best option is to probably say, "hey you seem really upset I'm going to give you some space" This person kept pushing and poking me when I was in a very high emotional mind.

People with Borderline have over-active limbic systems and smaller amygdala's, which is the part of the brain that controls emotion and reaction to emotion. I can take meds for things like anxiety and paranoia but at the end of the day there is no "borderline medication". BPD is mostly an environmental disorder. It's manifested based on how a person grew up. I  grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and neglect. People who BPD had very strong emotions and very strong reactions to emotions. We also think and see the world in very black and white terms. One of the things we struggle with is understanding that there are going to be struggled, bumps in the road, etc. That does not undo all the progress we've made.

This person claimed they were trying to "help" me, but they weren't helping me at all. I am a very introverted person and that mixed with the borderline causes me to get embarrassed easily. Especially when I am publically reprimanded. Had they PMed me and said, "hey you seem upset. Is something up?" or "maybe you should delete the post if you have got your replies." Or even pm me asking "did you post that because you want to own a gun?" Not by posting it publically, because I'm not going to react well. Then messaging me after the fact, is just going to escalate me more.

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