Wednesday, November 12, 2014

"Free Spirit"

I have heard more than once that I inspire people. I am told that people are inspire by my  "free spirit". I'm seen as someone who does what she wants, is true to herself, and lives her life on her own terms. But if they knew what I've been through, if they knew what I live with, they might not be so inspired. Because my "free spirit" is cause of years of loss, break downs, and not being in control of a disorder that has controlled me for years.

I've pushed away countless people in my life. I've destroyed relationships, been spontaneous with my lovers, entered into a profession in a dangerous way, I've never kept a job longer than a year, Since moving out of my Mom's I've never lived in one place longer than a year; I've never had a relationship (an actual dating/romantic one) last longer than 10 months. I've self-harmed, I've attempted suicide, I've had such severe body image issues that I've occasionally made myself throw up, I've been in a psych hospital, and I can go on and on about what I've been through.

People say I'm a "late bloomer," but trust me if I had control over my disorder much earlier than I did then I might be where I want to be in life. I'm slowly becoming more okay with the fact I probably won't have kids until my late 30s. But it still bothers me sometimes. What could have been if I entered DBT at 15 and not 25?

I would trade being a "free spirit" to be able to have a long lasting and loving relationship, and hopes to have children.

If you want to be inspired by me, then be inspired by the fact I have one of the most difficult mental disorders to live with and treat, but I refuse to give up.


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