Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Baby Steps

I've talked a lot about how I see the world in black and white. What some people may not realize is that this pertains to many different aspect of my life. Possibly the most frustrating is the black and white view point within myself. I am trying so hard to be less intense around Pete, that I end up being overly critical of myself. Let me walk you through what I mean.

One of the things I'm trying to do is tone down the amount I text him, especially when I don't get something I want. For example, if I have my heart set on hanging out with him and he says no, there have been times where I've had a melt down through text; or if he takes to long to respond I will send him message after message. In light of this I've been trying my best to be chill, and taking it one day at a time.  I didn't contact him all weekend, and I waited until he called me. It took a lot of patience, and implementing DBT skills, but that small "victory" made me confident that it could add up to more and more.

When he called me Sunday night we made plans for today (Monday). I continued to limit the amount I contacted him. Knowing we had set plans and not wanting to go overboard. These may not seem like things that are a big deal, but for someone with BPD it's progress. But that progress can seem hopeless in one moment. Which brings me to Monday.

I got so wrapped up in "proving" myself that I was nervous about anything I said or did. Was it too intense? Was it enough to make him want to date me again? Does he notice me trying? When he teased me and I got upset about it, I got so frustrated with myself. Then I just began to question everything. I began to get desperate with redeeming myself? I wanted so bad to text him over and over for approval. But I didn't. I distracted myself until I could barely remember why I was upset or frustrated.

He told me to just be myself, and I need to remember that. I also need to remember that I can't be trying to progress for the sole purpose of getting my ex back. Because I don't want to feel like it was all for nothing.  I need to do his for myself, to better myself.  If I get too focused on him taking me back then it will become an obsession and I'll constantly be lost in my own head.

I am also trying to remind myself, that there are things that I have no control over being the reason we broke up. A lot of what it has to do with is him and where he is at. The challenge for me staying in the gray area.

He's moving soon and I'm struggling with worry that I won't ever see him, or I'll have less of a chance to be with him again. What I need to remember is that if it's going to happen, it will happen naturally. I can't force it, and I can't obsess over it.

Some may see this as over thinking things, but in order to make progress this is important for me to do.

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