Tuesday, November 25, 2014

How Do I Talk To You!?!

Recently I posted a status asking what the three rules of gun safety are. I had asked because I was having a conversation with my roommates and we were discussing it, and I couldn't remember one of them. I got my answer within the first couple of comments so I told people, "thank you that's what I needed." However people kept on commenting with what they thought I was looking for without reading the other comments seeing that I had what I needed. I got a little bit annoyed and I commented, "OMG stop!"

One of my  "friends" comes in and comments that, "maybe I shouldn't be owning a gun if I get so easily upset over something."  This triggered me because I was not even talking about wanting to own a gun, and if anyone knows me they know I have strong views when it comes to mentally ill people and guns (re: mental illness does not always equal crazed person who should not own a gun cause they will shoot up a school). After some back and forth comments he suggested I delete the status since I had the information I was seeking, so I did. I ended up deleting the status, since I had the information I needed.


Then the "friend" comments and tells me that I'm "a piece of work "and I am "unfit to own a gun." Not once did I ever say that I was going to buy a gun or I was interested in one ,or anything like that. So I didn't see how his comment was relevant. Then he just kept poking at me when I was clearly triggered and escalated, and I lost my temper and lashed out. Am I proud of the way I lashed out? No of course not. But even after he saw me clearly upset he kept saying things like, "you're a child," "everything you touch you destroy," "you're not doing well."

 I'm not saying that people have to walk on eggshells around me. But if I'm swearing and lashing out at you, the best option is to probably say, "hey you seem really upset I'm going to give you some space" This person kept pushing and poking me when I was in a very high emotional mind.

People with Borderline have over-active limbic systems and smaller amygdala's, which is the part of the brain that controls emotion and reaction to emotion. I can take meds for things like anxiety and paranoia but at the end of the day there is no "borderline medication". BPD is mostly an environmental disorder. It's manifested based on how a person grew up. I  grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and neglect. People who BPD had very strong emotions and very strong reactions to emotions. We also think and see the world in very black and white terms. One of the things we struggle with is understanding that there are going to be struggled, bumps in the road, etc. That does not undo all the progress we've made.

This person claimed they were trying to "help" me, but they weren't helping me at all. I am a very introverted person and that mixed with the borderline causes me to get embarrassed easily. Especially when I am publically reprimanded. Had they PMed me and said, "hey you seem upset. Is something up?" or "maybe you should delete the post if you have got your replies." Or even pm me asking "did you post that because you want to own a gun?" Not by posting it publically, because I'm not going to react well. Then messaging me after the fact, is just going to escalate me more.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Realizations

I have a habit of worrying about things that are absolutely out of my control. When I was with J  and we broke up all I could think about was getting back with him, and I was so worried about what would happened if I didn't. Then one day I just didn't care anymore.

Pete and I have been hanging out, and it's obvious we both have feelings for each other. We talked last night, and he isn't ready to date anyone, let alone me again. He told me that I do have another chance with him, just not within the next couple of months. He says we are more than friends. Of course I have all these questions in my head.

Does he really mean that? Is he just saying that to make me happy? Is he saying that in hopes I find someone new and forget him? Will I see him when he moves? Am I going to waste years of my life waiting for him? Should I bother holding out? Should I just start dating someone new?

Then I realized, why do I care? Honestly, why am I worried about this? When I started dating (ironically Pete) someone else after J it happened because I was ready, and I wasn't pining for J anymore. Right now I don't want to date simply cause I'm not ready, and Pete supports that. He said even if I hated him and never wanted to see him again it would still make sense that I didn't want to jump into dating again.

Right now I just want to be with Pete, but the person I will be six months from now isn't the person I will be today. It may work out with Pete and it may not, but by the time I figure out it's not going to work I may have moved on or may be with another person.

I think what worries and bothers me the most is the thought of having to "start over" in a relationship. I have about 8-9 years to get married and have kids and if it takes me another 2 years to find someone new, plus a couple more to determine if they are the one...well now I'm 36. It worries me and makes me nervous.

But, like I keep saying I am going to focus on my career and being happy with me.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Bucket List

It may be cliché to have one, but these are the top 10 things (in no particular order) on my bucket list. I plan on printing this out!

  1. See a Packers game in Lambeau
  2. Go Sky Diving
  3. See Garth Brooks live
  4. Visit England
  5. Visit 4 corners
  6. Drive the Kancamagus highway
  7. Own a dog
  8. Own a tea set
  9. Visit Amsterdam
  10.  Interview Laci Green

Bucket List Things I've Done
  1. Meet Ken Casey
  2. Publish a book
  3. Go to Italy
  4. Get a college degree
  5. See the Packers play
  6. Meet Neil Gaiman
  7. See a NYC Broadway show


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

"Free Spirit"

I have heard more than once that I inspire people. I am told that people are inspire by my  "free spirit". I'm seen as someone who does what she wants, is true to herself, and lives her life on her own terms. But if they knew what I've been through, if they knew what I live with, they might not be so inspired. Because my "free spirit" is cause of years of loss, break downs, and not being in control of a disorder that has controlled me for years.

I've pushed away countless people in my life. I've destroyed relationships, been spontaneous with my lovers, entered into a profession in a dangerous way, I've never kept a job longer than a year, Since moving out of my Mom's I've never lived in one place longer than a year; I've never had a relationship (an actual dating/romantic one) last longer than 10 months. I've self-harmed, I've attempted suicide, I've had such severe body image issues that I've occasionally made myself throw up, I've been in a psych hospital, and I can go on and on about what I've been through.

People say I'm a "late bloomer," but trust me if I had control over my disorder much earlier than I did then I might be where I want to be in life. I'm slowly becoming more okay with the fact I probably won't have kids until my late 30s. But it still bothers me sometimes. What could have been if I entered DBT at 15 and not 25?

I would trade being a "free spirit" to be able to have a long lasting and loving relationship, and hopes to have children.

If you want to be inspired by me, then be inspired by the fact I have one of the most difficult mental disorders to live with and treat, but I refuse to give up.

Ever.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Baby Steps

I've talked a lot about how I see the world in black and white. What some people may not realize is that this pertains to many different aspect of my life. Possibly the most frustrating is the black and white view point within myself. I am trying so hard to be less intense around Pete, that I end up being overly critical of myself. Let me walk you through what I mean.

One of the things I'm trying to do is tone down the amount I text him, especially when I don't get something I want. For example, if I have my heart set on hanging out with him and he says no, there have been times where I've had a melt down through text; or if he takes to long to respond I will send him message after message. In light of this I've been trying my best to be chill, and taking it one day at a time.  I didn't contact him all weekend, and I waited until he called me. It took a lot of patience, and implementing DBT skills, but that small "victory" made me confident that it could add up to more and more.

When he called me Sunday night we made plans for today (Monday). I continued to limit the amount I contacted him. Knowing we had set plans and not wanting to go overboard. These may not seem like things that are a big deal, but for someone with BPD it's progress. But that progress can seem hopeless in one moment. Which brings me to Monday.

I got so wrapped up in "proving" myself that I was nervous about anything I said or did. Was it too intense? Was it enough to make him want to date me again? Does he notice me trying? When he teased me and I got upset about it, I got so frustrated with myself. Then I just began to question everything. I began to get desperate with redeeming myself? I wanted so bad to text him over and over for approval. But I didn't. I distracted myself until I could barely remember why I was upset or frustrated.

He told me to just be myself, and I need to remember that. I also need to remember that I can't be trying to progress for the sole purpose of getting my ex back. Because I don't want to feel like it was all for nothing.  I need to do his for myself, to better myself.  If I get too focused on him taking me back then it will become an obsession and I'll constantly be lost in my own head.

I am also trying to remind myself, that there are things that I have no control over being the reason we broke up. A lot of what it has to do with is him and where he is at. The challenge for me staying in the gray area.

He's moving soon and I'm struggling with worry that I won't ever see him, or I'll have less of a chance to be with him again. What I need to remember is that if it's going to happen, it will happen naturally. I can't force it, and I can't obsess over it.

Some may see this as over thinking things, but in order to make progress this is important for me to do.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Self-Sabotage

One of the more difficult things that people with BPD deal with is self-sabotage. This usually happens when we are dealing with perceived rejection or abandonment. The fear is so strong, so gripping, that we will stop at nothing to avoid it ("frantic efforts to avoid real or imagine abandonment"). Often what happens though is we end up being our own down fall.

For example: someone cancels plans last minute. As people with BPD we see this as rejection, even though deep down we know it's not. We might do something like beg and plead that person to reconsider. Get angry, lash out at them, then call and text over and over. We may then start to feel guilty and panic because they aren't replying. We may then text them more, apologizing, frantically panicking. Until eventually the person just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. They weren't angry, but now they are and it was our own doing. It was self-sabotage.

I bring this up because it's something I've been thinking about after something happened this week. Pete and I had made plans to hang out on Wednesday. On Tuesday I ended up getting the afternoon off from work. I texted him to see if I could ride with him to his home town where he had to vote and then watch the election results with him. I wanted to created a "perfect" scenario where I could "prove" to him that I could be chill and not be intense (because one of the reasons he broke up with me was because of my intensity). He texted me back and told me that he couldn't because he was already on his way. Instead of just saying, "okay" or even asking what time he'd be back (because maybe we could at least watch the results together) I reacted in extreme emotion mind. I sent him several very angry texts, followed by several apologetic texts, followed by several self-hating texts. This caused him to cancel our plans for Wednesday because he was really upset about the things I said.

When I saw him on Thursday and we talked, I explained that I wanted to show him that I can not be intense. He told me that in doing so I was basically my own downfall (not in those exact words, but that was the gist). He was absolutely right. I was so obsessed with creating the perfect scenario that I didn't realize my chance was in the way I reacted when I was told no.

He still cares about me, and he told me that when we're together he can see us being with each other again, but it's the in between that makes him not want to be with me. It's when I freak when he doesn't reply to my texts, when I have a melt down because he doesn't want to hang, things like that.

Right now I am trying to deal with the fact that he's going to be moving back home at the end of the month. My BPD has been creating all sorts of scenarios in my head and making me very overwhelmed. I'm afraid I'll never see him again, I'm afraid he'll find another girl and forget all about me.

Now, I know what you're all thinking. "Who cares? He broke up with you. You shouldn't be so obsessed with getting back with him." That's exactly my point. If we are ever going to get back together he needs to see that I can be chill during the "in between."

I need to focus on me, enjoy time I have with him, and trust that if it's meant to be it will be. Because everything else is just self-sabotage.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Things To Know About Me Online

I get really overwhelmed by two much information.When I am online and I ask a question I want direct, blunt answers and will often become frustrated by too much explanation or "other" chatter. I am a kinetic learning and so I struggle with retaining long bouts of information verbally and visually. I can do a bit better visually, but it will often be a struggle for me if I have to read through a lot to get to the core of what I want to know. It's a big reason why I skim when I read.

This causes me to feel stupid and causes me more frustration. That frustration turns into irritation and becomes more increasing the more I struggle folllow along. The irritation then causes me to lash out at people. This in turn causes me to get more irritated and frustrated.

Basically I end up thinking everyone is stupid, I'm stupid, and everything sucks.

I have a really hard time articulating myself sometimes (though I tend to emotionally articulate myself better through words).

It's draining :(

Planning Like the Planning Planner I Always Plan to Be

I need a plan, I want a plan. I'm not so much going to focus on the when, but rather the what for now. I just want to make steps towards a more stable life (that's not to say I'm personally not stable. I just want the things in my life to be more stable.) So, without further ado here are my plans (both long and short term)

  1. No dating until after the new year. I think jumping into a new relationship at this point would be a bad idea. If someone is interested in me I will have to go from there, but for now I am not going to actively seek anyone out.
  2. Find a job where I can pay my bills and save money.
  3. Start saving money towards my own apartment.
  4. Stay at that job long term and eventually start a retirement fund
  5. When I'm more financially stable, work on getting a lower car payment
  6. Eventually file for bankruptcy to get a "clean" start.
  7. Pay off as much debt as I can come tax season.
  8. Join a group where I can physically meet new people (thinking of attending a local Wiccan Temple).
  9. Go to a paint night
  10. Write more
  11. Practice more yoga
I think the first big step in the long term is finding a job I stay at for more than a few months!