Monday, October 20, 2014

On Vulnerabilities

I am feeling really dis regulated right now. I've been dealing with a lot of changes all at the same time. For someone with BPD change is hard, even if that is good change. As you can probably guess; getting broken up with out of the blue while still new at my job and moving to a new place isn't exactly my idea of a fun time.

Relationships, as I've mentioned many times, are extremely difficult for me. They are my biggest vulnerability. I have such a deep fear of being alone, of abandonment, of rejection that I not only struggle in relationships, but I struggle in the before and after. In the before I am scared, nervous, and not just the normal new relationship fears that almost everyone has. By the second or third date I'm already wondering if I'll be with the person forever, I'm wondering if we'll get married or have kids, and I'm wondering if we'll ever break up. Which leads me to break ups. It's like I shut down, I forget everything else good in my life, When J broke up with me it took me 2 years to get into another relationship. I felt guilty for even talking to another guy, and thought of sex with someone else made me feel terrible. I was afraid if I did, then I'd miss my chance to be with J again.

This is, of course, my emotion mind talking. I want to give up, I never want to date again, I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life, and nothing matters. I feel like I become a different person when I'm in am relationship. I'm definitely getting better at maintaining individuality when I'm with someone, but it's still a struggle for me. Because what happens when I'm not in a relationship?

After the initial shock, after the emotion mind shrinks back, and wise mind takes over I become determined, confident, and I focus on me. But it takes a lot for me to get to that point. Because I feel like I can't function without a boyfriend.

So all of this is to say I know I'll eventually get to the point where being with Pete or even not seeing him all the time won't bother me. I won't feel guilty doing things for myself and I'll eventually find someone new. I just need to continue to work on being okay with being alone even when I'm in a relationship.

To start I'm going to make a list of good things I have going on and also things I want to do with myself (or things to help me regulate).

  • I have a job working with awesome kids
  • I just moved into a new place that's nicer and cheaper
  • I'm going to be starting full DBT which might be better for me
  • I'm doing NaNoWriMo starting in Nov
  • Bright Nights
  • Yoga
  • Mandala coloring
  • Fall/Winter hiking
I'm going to be okay. I think Beth just needs her time.

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