Sitting here thinking about my future. There's so much I want to do, but I worry if I'm ever going to get to do it. I know I'm never going to make the big bucks working in human services, but I'd like to be able to make enough to pay for more than my bills and a coffee here and there. I want to travel, I want to buy books, I want to buy sex toys, I want to go places, and I want to do all this without having to rearrange my budget every time.
I also think about when I'm older, when I start a family, when I retire. I know and understand that in today's economy it's not uncommon for people to not have savings and to work past retirement. That's comforting, but I still worry. Of course I worry, it's what I do best! I think this is why it's so important for me to find a career and not just a job. Something where I can save money, and I can be at long term.
A part of BPD is all or nothing thinking. Either everything is grand or everything sucks. It doesn't matter if we have wonderful things in our lives, if one bad thing happens then it's all bad. It's a hard thing to deal with as it affects us in all different aspects of our lives. All or nothing, black and white, splitting...whatever you call it, it can be like the metaphorical devil/angel in your head.
Right now I'm emotionally vulnerable so my anxiety and worry are going into overdrive.