Wednesday, October 29, 2014


Frustrated. That's how I feel right now. I'm at this weird crossroads where I both know what I want to do with my life, but I also don't know. I know that I want to work in the human services field and I know I want to work with youth, but doing what?

 I also have this weird conundrum regarding my educational background. Everybody thinks it's so great that I have a Master's degree, but what have I done with it? Nothing. All my jobs in the human services field have required a high school diploma, maybe an associates. Sure it's gotten me higher pay at some places, but that fact remains I've still been working in jobs under my education level. The flip side of it is that while I have a Master's in psychology, I am not license eligible.

It is possible to work as a therapist in MA without a license, but it's not as easy as I used to think. I was told I could work as a therapist, but I would just need to work under someone. Well you know what? It's probably not that simple. I'd probably need to start at the bottom and work my way up, maybe even intern. I am also not even sure what other sort of requirements there are.

There lies my other problem. Because of my struggles with Borderline the only jobs I have stayed at for long periods of time were retail jobs. All my human services jobs were 6 months or less. That's not going to look very good to potential employers. I believe this is another reason I've only been working HS level positions, because most of those positions are always hiring and desperate for help.

I also want to talk about optimism and realism. It really bothers me when people tell me, "what's stopping you! You can do it!" and it's almost like I'm shamed for not deciding to do something. What's stopping me from getting licensed? The fact that I am not eligible and to become eligible I'd have to go back to school and I am not eligible for grants and only about $3000 in loans. So I'm sorry if my non existent optimism isn't, "gee golly! I can still do it! I'll just save money from my $10 an hour job!" It's not  me giving up, it's me being realistic.

Essentially I need to find a position that is at my education level (even Bachelor's level), doesn't require me to be licensed, and where I can move up (possibly to a therapist). Even if I don't become a therapist I would still like to be in a position at my level, not at the level of someone fresh out of high school. I know those positions exist. It's going to be hard though because I don't have the best track record with jobs. Borderline has been a serious issue in almost every aspect of my life, including jobs.

The other thing I wanted to mention is my ability to always doubt myself. For example, today at work one of the kids took off her coat. My brain told me that I should make her put it back on because it was cold out and if her Mom saw her without it she'd get upset. However, I had seen one of the older kids without a coat and a remembered a day a week or two ago (that's another issue, I have trouble with linear time lines) when a bunch of kids were taking off their coats and a co-worker who had been there longer said it was okay. So, I decided to let her keep it off. My boss comes up to check on me, and guess what? I get reprimanded for the child having her coat off.

I get defensive, I beat myself up. I feel stupid for not doing the thing I wanted to do. But then when I do go with my gut, and I'm wrong I feel the same way. Stupid and defensive.

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