Friday, August 1, 2014

What The "J" Means to Me

Tales From an INFJ

I am an INFJ. According to wiki the J is defined as, "J – Judgment preferred to perception: INFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability."

Now this is not to say I am not an impulsive/spontanious person. Trust me, my impulsivity has probably done more harm than good (hence why it's a trait of BPD). However, when it comes to making plans I like to have, well, a plan. I get very anxious when I do not have all my ducks lined up. I think this stems from my fear of rejection. If I do not know exactly what the plan is, then in my head there is a better chance of things going wrong.

Let's say I want to take a friend to Boston, and she needs to get the day off. I need to know in advance; day, time, where, if she got the day off, where we are meeting, etc. If it's a day before and I still don't know what the plan is or if she hasn't asked for the day off, I get anxious and jittery.

The same goes for life in general. I like having a plan. I think my night terrors about death are more prominate when I don't have a goal or a plan. I don't mean planning my whole entire life out, but rather being able to have a concrete visual of things.

I decided that I want to try and go back to school to get my Early Childhood certificate. I checked out books from the library on different scholarships, filled out a FAFSA, and have been looking at schools. From what I've read a certifcate takes about a year. This would not only help out my resume and job search options, but would also help with my anxieties about getting older and the future.

I want to be able to make a difference. I want to get to the end of my life feeling fulfilled. I am scared I am going to die jobless, single, unloved, and alone. I need a stepping stone. I need my life to have a plan, I need something concrete. Something to feel grounded.

Therapy Victories

I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My therapist told me that one of my positive attributes is that I have a realy strong DBT skill set. He complimented me on the great job I am doing, and told me to keep up the good work. Hmm, interesting that there are people who say I need to "get help" and mark me as a terrible person yet my therapist is saying how good I'm doing and how much I've improved. Fancy that.

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