Thursday, August 7, 2014

If Only Death Were a Spunky Goth Girl

It seems that more and more recently I had anxiety/fears about getting older and dying. I have laid awake for hours at night (usually when I have forgotten to take my meds), scared to close my eyes. Every time I do I am haunted by images of death. The thing that is most troubling is that no matter how I try to look at it, it always scares me. The things that bring me comfort also bring me fear.

For starters every time I have these night terrors I seem to go from where I am in life now straight to death. I then try to imagine all the great things that will happen to me in the next (hopefully) 50-60 years and I just come back to, "but I will die one day," or "what if I am still in the same position as I am now?"

My partner will stay with me and try to comfort me, and it helps me feel not alone. Then my mind will flash to him dying in my arms, or me dying in his. Always scared, always in pain.

When people joke/talk about how "life flies by" or "time goes faster" I am filled with anxiety. I want to go back to work because I know I will feel more fulfilled if I make a difference, but I fear the days will go by much faster.

I try to remind myself that I believe in reincarnation and will probably not remember this life. I also remind myself that should I go to Heaven/Summerlands I will more than likely be "cured" of any mental or physical illness. But because of how my mind works I picture myself never seeing anyone I love ever again and being tormented by BPD for eternity.

I look at people in terms of how long they have to live, I count my life in years left, I'm scared for my birthday to come because I'll be "one year closer to death."

I hate it. I don't want to live my life like this.

I lucid dream and I've tried remolding my dreams, but the night terrors just seem too strong. Luckily meds help, but not always.

I think my biggest trigger is not knowing my current situation with my partner. I think it leaves a lot open and a lot of unknowns. Death dreams indicate change and with so many things in limbo it makes sense they are so vivid.

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