Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Death and Love

There was a time where I couldn't wait to fall in love. I couldn't wait to experience the passion and joy, all the firsts, the getting to know someone. I couldn't wait to find someone to share my life with. No it scares me. I am scared to love because I love so intensely which means I hurt intensely. I want a relationship with lifetime guarantees, but I want them on the second date.

I used to imagine a good life filled with birthdays, children, Mother's days, Thanksgiving dinners, holiday mornings, Halloween costumes, Grand kids. Not anymore. Now I lay awake at night gripped by the thought of death. Scared to love, scared to fall in love because love ends in two ways: divorce/breakup or death. What's the point in loving someone? It all ends. Why be passionate? Why have sex. It will end one day. Why set myself up for that heartbreak?

Before: I can't wait to grown old with someone!
Now: I don't want to watch someone die or die in front of someone.

Before: I can't wait to have children and Grand kids.
Now: I'll eventually die though.

Before: I can't wait to fall in love and spend my life with someone
Now: What's the point? I'm going to die.

Before: I have so much to look forward to in my life.
Now: I'm going to die someday.

Someone mentioned in comments of my posts that they understand, and part of it is because death isn't on our terms. I also have an intense fear of dying alone, but at the same time I'm scared of losing people or leaving people. I know in reality once I'm dead I either will not know I'm dead or I will be reincarnated (which is what I believe) or I'll be in a place where I won't hurt even more. But even then I have night terrors about. What if I'm reincarnated as a rapist or the next Hitler? What if I go to the Summerlands and can see the people I left behind and I feel nothing but sorrow that I can't talk to them?

I know this is all stuff that I should not be thinking about. I try to think of all the good things that I have to look forward to, and if I try really hard death doesn't seem so scary. But when I am lying in bed at night it's like my life fasts forward and all there is, is the now and then death.

I also feel that I have a very stereotypical view of being old. When I'm old I'm supposed to knit, bake, wear nightgowns, and yell at people, right? I just have this image that being old is like it was in the 1940s. That I have to be like my grandparents. That I can't like this things I like, that I will completely change.

I plan on being a bad ass tattooed feminist old lady.

I know that relationships strengthen with time. But if I can barely deal with a breakup, how am I going to deal with someone dying. I have to die first.

I have it in my head that I have to do everything quickly. Go on trips, go places. Because if I wait it means more time will pass and it means I will be

Of course this is all Beth.

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