Wednesday, July 16, 2014

This Is One You Need To Read

I started this blog as a way to have an outlet to talk openly and candidly about my mental illness. I started it as an opportunity to give people a peek into my life, and hopefully educate them on what it's like to have mental illness.

I hope that people would see my disorder does not define me. I chose to be open and honest in this blog. Because of this some posts would be negative, some dark, but I hoped to have equal or more parts positive and full of hope and strength.

Recently I came out about abuse I suffered from a public figure while living with him and his family. He and his apologists are using this blog and my mental illness against me.

"She's a lunatic"
"She's mentally disturbed"

Am I perfect? No, I freely admit that there are a lot of areas I struggle in. However, I had thought we were past the time where anyone with a mental illness was chalked up to being "crazy" or "a lunatic". I had thought that we had moved passed that binary way of thinking. Mental illnesses are not only different, but the same one can affected each person that has it differently.

People are also equating having BPD to being a liar. I'd like to present you with a quote from a friend who has known me for 6+ years. This is someone who I openly admit I was not nice to several years ago. We have since made amends and she is now one of my best friends.

"I also have evidence that your BPD doesn't cause you to lie. Because when we were fighting you'd tell me all the shit that people were saying about me and it matches [other friend's] Livejournal. You amplify stuff definitely [Meaning I feel more than I should. It fits the BPD trait of black and white thinking] and, as you said, block out trauma, but I dont think I've ever witnessed you lie"

There are also people saying I am an "attention whore" and just love all this attention. Tell me then, if I am an "attention whore"  the why have I spent the past five years trying to get the top Google Search of my name removed? Furthermore, I had several people told me I should have outed this person while he was running for Governor of the state. I certainly would have gotten plenty of attention then, but I chose not to.

It's interesting that the people calling me an "attention whore" are the ones having a conversation on FB where they are trashing me, mocking rape victims, and laughing about abuse.

Anyone with half a brain that reads up on BPD can clearly see that I fit the criteria. I read that someone thought I read about it or knew someone who had it, and it fit my MO so I made up that I had it. Well, not that I really have anything to prove, but if I "made it up" then why would I wait until I was 25? After years and years of experiencing BPD traits and not knowing what they were? Why would I allow myself to be misdiagnosed several times before I got my proper diagnosis?

Do I sound like a lunatic to you yet?

Unfortunately many people who have mental illness (a lot worse than mine) are not believed when they come forward about abuse. A girl with downs was expelled because she came forward about sexual abuse. She was not believed because the boy was a "nice kid", and once again having any sort of mental illness or disability makes you a liar.

Some of you may have heard of the Global Assesment of Functioning (GAF) scale. This is a scale used by therapists/psychologists to assess the level of functioning of their clients. Back in 2008 when I first started DBT my GAF was about a 53: "Moderate symptoms OR moderate difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning." I was very very close to "serious symptoms. A few years after my GAF score raised to about a 64: "Some mild symptoms OR some difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning, but generally functioning pretty well, has some meaningful interpersonal relationship."

So basically this is saying I am a high functioning and competent person.

A few more things; No, my triggers are not fake. They are very real, and for someone to shame them or tell people they are fake is shameful and disgusting. Me getting out and doing things (hiking, fishing, etc) is exactly what I'm suppose to be doing. It's very DBT oriented and my therapist encourages it.

I will finish by asking this. Who's assessment of me are you more likely to believe?

People who have known me a year or less, who have a history of snapping on me and screaming at me, and who are telling people what a mentally disturbed, evil, manipulator I am?


People who have known me for years. People who have truly seen me at my worst, when I was out of control, when I was a jerk to them, but now we are friends. People who have known me for years and years. People who talk to me every day?

If you answered the first one, then you are the type of person I don't want in my life.

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