Saturday, July 12, 2014

Progress

Let's say you're out with your significant other and they are not particularly affectionate with you. You ask why and they explain that they feel ill, and are not really in an affectionate mood. I would think that most "normal" people would take this at face value, but there is a reason I differentiate between my "normal" brain and my "BPD" brain.

Even though we had an amazing time on Monday. Even though he spent extra time with me Thursday. Even though he told me his stomach hurt. Even though he let me cuddle with him when I stopped by his house last night (I told him I wasn't unsafe or anything, I was just having a bad day. I ended spending the night cause he fell asleep, I didn't have the heart to wake him, and I was drifting in and out of consciousness). And even after he explained to me that he was in a really bad mood this morning (and he still hugged and kissed me goodbye), and it had nothing to do with me....I was still 100% convinced that something was wrong, he was mad at me, and on the verge of breaking up with me.

Why? I had done nothing wrong. If he was mad then he wouldn't have spent time with me Thursday, and enjoyed it. He would not have let me stay last night (he's had no problem telling me he wants to be alone, and this wasn't me showing up suicidal after he told me he didn't want to hang out, or something along those lines). Even if there was something  had done then why in the world do I have to think the worst possible outcome is him breaking up with me? Maybe I did something to annoy him, we'd talk about it, and resolve it. Or maybe it's just my own head making shit up and being paranoid. He's not in an affectionate mood and I am? Obviously he's cheating on me (oh wait, except we're open so that wouldn't fucking matter). He tells me his stomach hurts, his back hurts, he's in a bad mood? Obviously that's code for, "I'm about to drop bad news on you so I'm distancing myself." We had a great fucking time twice this week. Something *must* be wrong. Because, you know, things going well is a sure fire bad omen.

Oh and then there is the fact I can't just believe him when he says everything is fine. Oh noooo, I have to keep asking and asking. I have to pester him, because for some fucked up reason his word isn't enough. No, he must be lying. He probably wants to make sure he's far away from me, or he's deciding when to drop some terrible news.

This is what the BPD brain does to me.

So, what did I do? Well after texting him (even after he told me it wasn't me and I could call him tonight) he finally told me to leave him alone (ugh). Obviously at that point I was upset, and it didn't help my already paranoid brain. But I wasn't going to make things worse. I wasn't going to pester him to the point he *did* have a problem with me. I had no reason to think I had done anything wrong and I knew my brain was just trying to trick me. So this is what I did for the rest of the day:

  • Volunteered at a Big Brothers/Big Sisters event
  • Talked to a couple of friends (one on the phone and one in text)
  • Used ice and hard candy
  • Spent some mindless time online, chatting and watching videos
  • Called my therapist's office's emergency services and spoke with someone
  • Went to Crystal Lake (yet another newly discovered place) and swam, edited my book, and read

Were there no paranoid thought? No, they were there. However, I did my best to distract.

I may not be perfect, but this is huge progress for me.

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