Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Ripple Effect

I want Pete to come to a club with me next week, but he's still on the fence. Why? Because he's afraid of something going wrong, he's afraid of triggering me. Of course he feels this way, I've given him plenty of reason. As he says he's my "kryptonite". He is afraid to go because he causes me anxiety and angst, but in reality he doesn't. I explained to him that while  he is the "source", it's not him causing me anxiety, it's me. It's me and my BPD brain. The way I think has nothing to with him, it's all me. He's done nothing wrong, I just have a hard time controlling my emotions.

I hate this. I hate that I make people feel this way. What can I do? Nothing. All I can do is tell him I will do my best not to be triggered, but that's not even a promise I can make. I'm difficult, I'm unpredictable. My actions have caused him to assume I'm always going to have some sort of melt down if we go out.

This is why I'm trying to go outside my comfort zone. I'm trying to talk to him about things he's had to walk on egg shells with me about (there is still one subject off limits). I want to be able to promise that nothing will go wrong, that nothing he says will trigger me. But, I can't. Because I still have trouble if it comes on suddenly. It's like a switch flips in my head.

We talked and talked about ways we can deal with this. Being more open, him talking me through it. I really don't intend on being caused angst and anxiety or being triggered. It's my black and white thinking, it's my problems with relationships. It's me, it's not him. It's my problems, my issues

In a related issue I realize that when I compare myself to him regarding work I'm doing it in a a very black and white way. I thought about things today and realized, he was there longer and he knew more kids. But still my brain keeps going to that black and white. Thinking he's better because he has an easier time with adolescent girls. Thinking that if he came to my work he'd win them over like that.

I'm so jealous of him. I'm jealous he is able to be so "calm" and "cool". I'm not like that. It feels awkward for me to be "chill". That's why I work better with younger kids. He even says I do really well with younger kids.

I'm upset now :(

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