Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Struggles

Despite how far I have come I still have my moments. I've been having a rough couple of days. Of course it all revolves around my abandonment/rejection issues. I was spending time with Pete and a subject I said I wasn't going to talk about because it was distressing for me came up. And just like every other time, I began to dwell on it. Then he mentioned possible future plans that included him moving very far away. Immediately my brain went into overdrive, and I started to panic and have an anxiety attack. It doesn't matter that the plans may not happen for at least another year, if at all. All the my brain says to me is, "this is rejection, this is abandonment." I know deep down it's imagined, but it's too late the emotion mind has taken over. I'm shaking, crying, and I can't breath.

He holds me. He tells me that my BPD wants me to feel this way, that it wants me shaking and scared. He tells me feel how still and calm his body is. My breathing slows. I think I'm okay, but then the shame and guilt set in. I felt so ashamed that he saw me like that, that I couldn't control myself. I then start desperately trying to get him to acknowledge that I've been making progress. I hate myself, I hate that I work hard to over come things, that I do so well when I'm on my own, but then I "slip" in front of someone who doesn't know how much progress I've made. They only know me from the point they've met me. I try to tell myself that no one can judge my progress but me, but it doesn't matter. I'm distraught, I'm upset, I feel like a failure.

That night I have night terrors. About her, about him leaving. Our "relationship" ending. Rejection. Abandonment. I hate it. I'm depressed the next day (today). I'm still dwelling on things a bit, but I'm able to process things. I see him again, we talk. I end up bawling again. I feel so frustrated by things I've said in front of him. I want him to see me as perfect. I don't want him to see me struggle. I'm trying to work on my own self-validation, but I feel like it doesn't count if I don't get it from certain people.

Imagine you are traveling. As you walk along you meet various people. One person needs a tire changed, another lost their keys on the dark road. As you keep walking the combination of meeting people and the dirt and dust start to wear on you. After walking for many miles you come across another person who decides they want to travel with you, but they look at you and see that you are dirty.They just judge you by your appearance, they have no idea what you've been through. This is what it's like having mental illness. No one knows exactly how far I've come, just I do. Everyone only knows me from the point they meet me. Pete doesn't see all the times I overcome my thoughts and emotions. So when I have a melt down I feel like I'm just seen as weak. When I say something I've worked hard to not say and to get over, but I slip up, I desperately try to get the person to see I am different.

I hate this disorder sometimes.

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