Thursday, June 12, 2014

Outside My Comfort Zone

Change is difficult for me. Bad change, good change, change in others, change in myself. It doesn't matter what kind, I struggle with anything that interrupts my status quo. This reflects most strongly in relationships, and it manifests by me becoming clingy and dependent.

The other day I was talking to Pete, and I was emotional over some information he gave me. Later I got upset at something totally innocent he said. Pretty soon he pointed out that he feels he needs to be careful what he says around me. He was right, I was making him walk on egg shells. Don't talk about this, don't mention that, make sure it's the 2nd night of the full moon on a Tuesday to talk about the other thing.

I have always known that Pete was someone who would not always be around the corner from me. That, however, did not stop me from fretting and worrying about him someday moving away. I would secretly wish that he'd always stay close, and if he mentioned future plans I would become distraught. Imagined abandoned.

Abandonment/rejection are my biggest BPD struggles, especially when they are connected to relationships. I realize I need to go outside my comfort zone. I talked to Pete today and I told him that no matter what he does in his future, I will support him. It is selfish of me and unfair to him that I make him feel like he can't talk to me about certain things. Of course I will enjoy him in the moment since he is still here, and doesn't have any permanent plans.

All of this, though? It's nothing new. When T stopped talking to me for over a year, I survived. When M stopped talking to me out of the blue, I was confused and angry, but now I could care less. When J broke up with me, I thought it was the end of the world, now I barely give him a second thought.

It's also not a new thing for me to be jealous of another girl. When I was crushing on my boss Chris, it was his ex Liza he still had feelings for. When I dated J, it was Chelsey in CA. When J and I broke up, it was Emma and then Miranda. When I had a crush on my friend MC, it was his ex Christy who he was still in love with. When I dated T, it was N (and that made it hard because I loved that girl).

 I know these things, I know I'm always okay, but it's the moment. It's the moment of feeling like you're dying, like you're never going to be okay. It's hating goodbye, it's fearing that you won't be prepared. If I'm every going to learn I need to step outside my comfort zone. I need to stop making people walk on egg shells. I need to learn to cope because life is full of changes and goodbyes and I'm going to have a hard time if I keep trying to hide from them.

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