Tuesday, June 17, 2014

On Body Image

Those who know me know that one of my biggest struggles is my body image. I've come a long way with it. For example, I used to make myself throw up. I wasn't bulimic since I didn't binge and purge and I wouldn't do it at every meal. Maybe bulimic traits? Anyway, I've manager to deal with these feelings to the point they are few and far between. This is one of those times.

My brain likes to tell me illogical things. For example, if I change my eating habits in anyway I am going to balloon to 200 pounds. If someone in the same situation is gaining weight, so will . I'm talking specifically about my job. We get to eat with the kids, and I've noticed some of them have been gaining weight. So, obviously I am too. Except, I'm probably not, it's probably my imagination. These kids are there all the time (except home visits) and eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Plus they snack a lot. I eat dinner with them and sometimes lunch.

I've been doing my zumba work out, but if I eat more is it enough? Am I even eating more, or am I eating enough? I don't really like to eat much. It's this back and forth that goes on in my head. Maybe I'm getting my period and I feel bloated, who knows. I just know that right now I think I look like I'm pregnant and that I'm flabby, gross, and getting fat.

What's interesting is in the book, "Get Me Out of Here," she deals with the same issues. She'd pinch imaginary fat, feel guilty for eating, and she'd think if she skipped a day of working out and had a piece of cake she'd gain 50 pounds over night.

It's even worse when people I'm close to decide to lose weight or are. I assume their losing weight means I'm going to get fat.

I'm frustrated because I've been doing really well with my body image. I just look at my stomach now and I'm disgusted. To me it sticks out. I'm sure it's my imagination.

I need to stop writing, I'm getting too upset.

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