Friday, June 6, 2014

Disconnected Thoughts

This post has some disconnected apologies ahead of time.

I was recently asked to be a mod for a different BPD group I'm in (not on FB) because I am, "active, intelligent, passionate, you seem to be well rounded.

I feel like I've come a really long way in the past 5-6 years.

I used to self harm a lot, I made a lot of stupid choices involving sex (I won't go into detail), I had bulemic traits (I never binged and purged, I just sometimes purged), I had out of control rage (I still sometimes have trouble with anger, but I get over it quicker, a lot of it is mild annoyance), I felt empty/worthless a lot, and I was very unstable.

I had my last appointment with my therapist yesterday before switching to my new one. We went over my progress notes, and while they were hard to read they also provided concrete proof of how far I've come. My therapist mentioned that she thinks I am at a point where I may not need DBT as much as I did in the past.

I have definitely come a long way. Right now the main thing I struggle with is relationships (my therapist said they are my vulnerability). I've been doing well with self-confidence, I haven't self-harmed in almost a year, my body image issues have improved, and I feel like I have purpose in life (I don't feel empty/hopeless as much as I used to). Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but they are fewer.

Recently I've been getting a lot better at living in the moment, as well as riding emotions like a wave (not holding on to them, but not ignoring them). I've gotten through a lot of moments I would have had trouble in the past.

However, the second one of my partners tells me he can't see me when I really want to see him, I completely fall apart. Granted, I'm less "crazy" then I may have in the past. For example, in the past instead of sobbing hysterically I may have: Self harmed, texted increasingly mean things, driven to the person's house. Of course to someone who doesn't understand BPD, sobbing and being hysterical probably doesn't seem like progress....but, fears of rejection and abandonment are my biggest hurdles.

The good part of this, is that my "borderline issues" are confined to one specific thing. Which, I guess will make it easier to know what to focus on in therapy.

In relation to my issues with relationships, I also have a really hard time saying no. I've gone on a date with someone I had no interest in because the thought of turning someone down to their face gives me anxiety.

I also have trouble standing up for myself (more if it involves someone I know rather some random internet person or even someone I don't like). For example, tonight I went to wake up my partner from a nap so he wouldn't be late getting to his parent's house and he snapped and said "fuck you." While I expressed that that wasn't cool and it upset me I did it interspersed between apologies . I didn't do anything wrong and I was apologizing.

My new therapist is a male. I don't know how I feel about this. I've always had an attachment to older men because my Dad emotionally abandoned me (jesus, how cliche is that?). I've become attached to boss', teachers, and other older males in my life.Relationships have always been my down fall. When I'm actually dating I tend to get clingy, and needy. My therapist thinks I date men that remind me of my Dad (though I can't always see that). What's interesting to me is that one of my partners does not trigger my BPD. It's weird. Well technically, it got triggered super bad when we broke up 6 years ago. Like, I had the worst melt down of my life. But other than that, he doesn't trigger my abandonment and rejection issues. My other partner does, pretty much every guy I have dated have.

I don't know what brought on this string of thought. But I think being able to recognize them, shows my progress.

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