Sunday, June 8, 2014

Condensing

I've been really busy lately, so I have not had much of a chance to give a real update. Things are going pretty well for me right now. I have a job I really like, I'm dating two guys, I have a car and apartment, I'm able to pay bills, I'm doing a bunch of volunteering, and I am about to start with a new therapist where I will also be able to attend groups. My last appointment with my former therapist went well, and I was able to see just how far I've come. I've also been trying to do more reading, and get through my TBR list.

Of course I still have my BPD moments, but it seems like I am at a point where I can at least condense it down to a main focus. That focus? Relationships. I am dating two guys, but one I only see once a week and the other lives two hours away. Both of these have their benefits, the main one being it is less likely for me to be clingy. Of course, when one didn't want to see me about a week ago, I still managed to end up in hysterics. That's my downfall, my vulnerability. Relationships. Abandonment and rejection issues are definitely what I need to work on most.

I have been getting better at "riding the emotion like a wave" as they say in DBT. I've been allowing myself to feel the emotion, and then letting it go. Last night my brain seemed to want to remind me of every little trigger, and I ended up crying out of frustration. I went to bed listening to rain and woke up feeling fine and barely remembering I was upset. I guess my ability to not dwell on things has improved greatly. I continue to struggle with certain thought. How long will things be good? When will the next change come? How much time will  have with my two guys? What will the future be like? All of these, of course tie into my fears of being alone, rejection and abandonment.

I still have a lot of BPD traits, obviously. Technically I still fit all 9 categories. I'm just getting a lot better at controlling them, and them not being as noticeable. My old therapist even told me it may not be vital for me to be in DBT, at least as much as it was in the past.

I know to some people it may seem that I'm still a basket case. That is why I am the only person allowed to judge my progress. Also, comparing me to me is important.

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