Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Or a Gun to My Head

My BPD feels like this 400lb guy pinning me down and I have nothing and no one to help me, to free me. It feels like an abusive relationship, except the abuser is my own brain. It feels like the emotional part of my brain is driving 100mph, while the rational part just goes along for the ride. Meekly trying to object, but getting yelled at by the emotional bully. It feels like my own brain has a knife against my throat.

It makes me feel fragmented. Like the emotional part is another person taking over.

Emotion: "Anger, outburst, push away, have a melt down....."
Rational: "Um, maybe you should take a step back."
Emotion: "No. This is the only way. Blind rage, splitting."
Rational: "Yes, but, you might make it worse. Just try..."
Emotion: "I SAID SHUTUP. I AM STRONGER THAN YOU!"
Rational: "Stop, stop. Please don't do this. You're going to regret this."
Emotion: ::lays waste, wreaks havoc:: "Okay, Rational. I'm done. Have fun cleaning up my mess."
Rational: "......"

It's gotten easier to manage, to control. But the scars are there, and if I don't keep fighting, keep pushing back. My BPD will pull the trigger.

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