Friday, May 9, 2014

My Spoon is Too Big!

Rejection is a big thing for people with BPD. Even the tiniest hint of rejection, whether real or imagined, can send us spiraling into darkness. When I was younger I remember being overcome with sadness anytime my cousin went back home to NH after visiting. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that it was parts of my BPD surfacing. I can probably pinpoint many times in my childhood where I felt intense emotion over perceived rejection. Now, you may be thinking, "but Hazel, that's not rejection. He just went home." And you'd be right, but that my friends is what makes BPD what it is. Someone cancelling plans, a therapist announcing the end of a session, a lunch date ending, all of these things people with BPD perceive as rejection. We know it's not rational, but when the emotional part of our brain takes over rational isn't an option.

Recently I've been having these feelings. Pete and I have been talking about coming up to each other's camp sites over the summer. I'm really excited about it (I love taking people to the lake), but then my brain starts to think like this, "It probably won't happen until June or July, which will mean the summer is going by, the warm weather always goes by fast, then it will be close to the end of the year, then it will be next year, and I'll be older, and it will end....." I think about the possibility of him moving away (he's mentioned it, but no plans). My mind jumps into the future, and it becomes a struggle to stay in the moment. But I've learned, and I've gotten better at it. I think about all the times I thought I was going to feel a certain way forever, and how those times are barely a passing thought now. I think about how future me will not be the same as present me, and how everything changes.

I guess there is a word for my "relationship" status. Solo Polyamory. Basically I am seeing two people, but I am not ready to be serious with either of them. I am mainly focusing on myself and improving myself. That's great, but even that causes me anxiety. I don't know if things will work out with us, but I can see a future with T. More importantly,  I see stability. Am I saying I want to jump into things with him, no. What I'm saying is, the thought of being with him long term seems real, and doesn't cause me anxiety. He's the only guy I've been with where my BPD doesn't get triggered (with the exception of our breakup, but that's a long story). He's the only guy that makes me consider not doing things the way I've always been stuck on. Even six years after our initial breakup we're still close friends (I think cutting off contact for so long helped with that). But while all this is great it would also mean the end of my other relationship. Then I think about never cuddling him again, never hearing him sing to me again, and more intense things  like him finding and falling in love with someone.

But I have to remind myself that anything can happen. That I need to live in the moment. I could fall so in love with T that I have no romantic feelings for Pete. Pete could move away next month. Things could not work out with T and I end up with Pete. Things could not work out with either. The point is, there's so many what if's and maybe's that trying to figure it out just causes anxiety.

I think the following quote from HIMYM sums things up really well;

 In a moment like that, when what's really happening is too intense to deal with, sometimes it's best... To leave it unspoken, and just enjoy each other's company instead.

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