Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A Journey Back: 2000-2005 (18-22)


Continuing my old journals reading spree.
  • While at MCLA I got in trouble for drinking, was suicidal, threatened my RD, flipped out on friends, was on academic probation, plagiarized, and was pretty much forced to leave.
  • On two separate occasions in 2002 I got in a fight with my mother, walked out of the house, and went to the police station. On one of those occasions I had tried to swallow pills in front of her and she slapped me.
  • I continued to hang out with the people from high school that treated me poorly.
  • My Mother has told people she hates me and can't stand me, she constantly put me down and insulted me.
  • In August of 2002 I was sexually assaulted by my Dad's co-worker. When I told my Dad he passed it off like it was not big deal and that's just how the guy was.
  • In November of 2002 I wrote that I had "traits of a personality disorder". At that point I was diagnosed with either bipolar or bipolar II.
  • I always wrote about how I hated my Mom, how I felt like she controlled me, and how I'd live on the street if I had to. I once wrote that I felt like a prisoner in my own home.
  • There were occasions where I'd allow sexual things done to me (and have people watch or take pics) while I was under the influence of weed and alcohol.
  • An ex used me for sex and then broke up with me in an email, and told me I drive him nuts.
  • I met a guy at a karaoke bar who "broke up" with his girl friend for me. Because he was sooooo into me the first time meeting me. Right.
  • I was obsessed with every guy that came my way. Every guy I dated was always, "the one" or "different from the last". I was always, "really meant it this time". I'd always make fact lists about them, and apparently things like having a favorite movie in common was really important. I was always worried, panicked, paranoid when a boy wouldn't call me back. I also threatened to slash my wrists because a boy wouldn't hang out with me. There are guys I dated that I can't remember at all.  In retrospect a lot of the guys I dated probably only dated me for sex.
  • I had sex with a friend for a favor.
  • I apparently had more unprotected sex than I remember. Yes, before you ask, I'm clean. My most recent test was actually less than a couple months ago.
  • I stole a lot. From jobs, stores, family.
  • When I worked at Vector marketing I was wicked obsessed with my boss and convinced I was in love with him. I also lied a lot there. I even wrote about my Aunt being a loser because she stuck up for me when said boss suspended my pay for 4 demos. I thought that he cared about me, but in retrospect he only cared about me selling knives. Even a long while after I left Vector I was always worried impressing him or what he thought. Eventually I became the girl he cheated on his now wife with.
  • I cut myself for the first time at 21.
  • I started making myself throw up when I was 22.
  • In 2004 I joined and was sworn into the Air Force reserves, but then backed out
  • I was in a psych hospital in 2004 (I thought it was April, but apparently it was January or November, I can't remember).
  • In 2005 I tried ODing at a mall, had to have my stomach pumped (I actually thought that happened in 2004), but my friends convinced the hospital to let me go.

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