Thursday, May 15, 2014

A Journey Back: 2005(cont)-2006 (23-24)


  • October or November was the first time I was diagnosed with BPD. However, I don't think it was "official" and I was skeptical because at that point I was always being diagnosed with something different.
  • While working at Game Stop I dated my third key. I was convinced I was in love with him after one or two months. While dating him I was also super obsessed with my boss and would constantly write about wanting to hook up with him. I also put him on a pedestal the same way I did my Vector boss. This time I "really meant" it when I said I loved my boyfriend, and my obsession with my GS boss was some how different than the one with my Vector boss. I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with my boss. Then when things started to fall apart with my boyfriend and me I did nothing but stalk him when he asked for space. When he broke up with me I wrote about how I was going to die because we were meant to be together and I could never date another guy. The night I was broken up with my sister and I had to drive to Wilmington from Medford to pick up my Mother who was too drunk to drive home. Later that night I hooked up with my boss about 12 hours after the break up, and I hooked up with him and two other guys within a week of the break up. Clearly my ex was "the one".
  • My boss and I were actually good friends. However, whenever he said "maybe" to coming over (and this was usually followed by a vague, "if you feel like stopping by") instead of going about my day, I'd literally sit at home and not go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. I'd also get really upset at him, and then beg him not to leave when he tried to walk out because of my verbal abuse. I texted and called him all the time, and I always got sad whenever we did hang out and it ended. The thing that was most consistent with him, is his wanting to fuck me and talk dirty to me. He'd go from not wanting to be friends to telling me he was horny. I spent a lot of time trying to get us a threesome and ended up hooking up with a few random girls (he was involved in a couple).
  • I would spend large amounts of money of people I had affection for. Sometimes skipping bills and going into debt to do so. I would then ask people to borrow money, and lie to them so they didn't know it was cause I blew mine on other people.
  • In April of 2005 I left my friend stranded in Belmont because I was mad at him.
  • I once told my friend I was "going to get fucked up and play with knives."
  • In June of 2005 I threatened to kill myself in front of my therapist. They told security to detain me. My Dad picked me up and my therapist told him to take me to the hospital, but my Dad drove me home.
  • In June of 2005 I did one of my first nude shoots then sucked the guys dick for extra money
  • In June of 2005 I was sexually harassed by my assistant manager at Game Stop. It ended up turning into a huge mess.
  • In June of 2005 I ended up hooking up with my ex from Game Stop. We started dating in July of 2005 while he was dating another girl, but the other girl didn't know.
  • In July of 2005 I met up with a guy for a photo shoot. He ended up trying to get sex out of me and grabbed my ass.
  • In Aug of 2005 My Mom found out about all the stuff I was doing and I was given 30 days to move out. She told me to leave and not come back. I ended up at Alewife station that night (don't remember after that).
  • In 2005 I went to cambridge hospital to get eval and meds. Looking back I did it to impress someone else.

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