Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Where's the Feminist?

Pete broke up with me over text message today. The thing is, I'm not even sure what he was breaking up over. He kept avoiding actually talking about what our relationship was. He just went along being intimate and sweet and romantic with me. He told me yesterday that we could talk in person today, and then I get a string of texts basically saying he can't be with me in any way and he's pretty much cutting me out of his life for a few months so he can work on his stuff.

As you can imagine I'm pretty hurt right now. He's coming over tomorrow to talk face to face. I asked him for that much. Especially because he knows what he did was cowardly. This is probably for the best, I know deep down it is. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Especially the cutting out. It makes me feel rejected and for someone with BPD that is the worst.

Part of me is accepting it. Part of me knows that this is a big reason I've been feeling so anxious and stressed and thinking about my own mortality lately. It still hurts. I hate feeling these feelings. They are so intense and make me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm going to die.

But part of DBT is learning how to deal with those unpleasant feelings. I know I'm going to be okay. I got put on meds today, I'm trying to reach out to more people, and I'm going to call the Mental Health Center. Right now I only see a therapist once a week and I need more. My old mental health place gave me a therapist, psychiatrist, nurse, group, and case manager when I was with them. I believe the new place will do that as well. I need to see more people more often. I will hate leaving my therapist, but she says I can still see her as I transition.

Right now I just feel pain. Right now all I can think about is all the stuff I won't get to do with him. Then there is the voice telling me that this will be a great opportunity to really work on myself. That this is for the best. I don't want to be with someone who isn't clear about things. I know my BPD is going into overdrive now. I know that if there is any sort of future for us it will happen, and I shouldn't force it. I have a better chance of keeping him in my life by giving him the space he needs. It still sucks though.

He's coming over tomorrow to talk face to face and he told me to write down what I want to say. Here are some excerpts that sort of sum up how I'm feelings and what's going on:

"I talked to my therapist and she thinks that since getting back with you I've gotten worse. It's caused me anxiety, worry, thoughts of my own mortality. And why? Because I always felt like I was in limbo with you. You never really defined anything for me. It felt like we were dating and in a relationship even after you “broke up” with me. We talked about talking about things, but you basically avoided it for weeks. Then you make me feel like you want to be with me by doing all these super intimate things, and I'm not talking about sex. Taking a bath with me and telling me, “there's no one I'd rather be in this tub with than you” and then saying things like, “you don't need to buy me things to get me to like you.” It made me feel like you did like me and you did have feelings for me (that and the fact you told me you did), and while yes you were slow, I felt like there was a positive future for us. Especially after Monday. But I still felt lost and confused and like I was in limbo. Why? Because you kept avoiding talking about things. You never made things clear and that is not good for someone like me.Had you said, 'look I'm not ready to be in a relationship, but I love having sex with you, so let's just have a physical friendship. But that's all it can be,' at least that would have given me a clear fucking understanding. At least I wouldn't have wasted my time because I felt you wanted me to be your gf someday. At least I would have not had any expectations."

"I'm sick of feeling abandon. I'm sick of friends ditching me. Do you know how much it sucks that my closest friends are only available by phone or email? You made me feel like I had a friend who was close. I don't connect with people easy. There is a reason I hate making new friends...because I have such a fear of abandonment. I feel hurt, betrayed, confused, used.....but it's fine, because I know how strong I am. I know you'll miss me. I've already started taking steps to better myself. I wanted you to be part of that. But if I'm not good enough, then I guess I can't do anything."

I also know I'm getting better. Why? Because through all the tears I had moments of clarity. Moments where deep down I knew this was for the best. Like my therapist says, six months from now after I've worked on me he may not seem as appealing.

It's a constant struggle in my brain. I don't like unpleasant feelings, I don't like having to admit this is probably best. There were so many things I really liked about him and it makes me sad to lose them. I'm trying to think of the things that weren't appealing, but I'm the type of person who see's the good in everyone and looks past the bad.

I can make it through. I want to enjoy life, and I'm going to get back into working on me.

Like my therapist said, "where's the feminist?"

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