Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Trying To Be Blue

I was in the emergency room again this morning. It turns out I had a bad reaction to mixing meds. No, I didn't do it on purpose. I tool some Zzzquill to help me sleep and then a Hydroxyzine to help feel less anxious. I took 3 pills (2 Zzzquill and 1 Hydroxyzine) twice last night. Once around 9pm and then again around 6am. I ended up feeling nausea and numb all over. I was in the ER for a few hours, and ended up getting prescribed some Ativan.

I've been trying to stay outside today. I went to Barnes and Noble, got ice cream and B&J for Free Cone Day, walked around town for a bit, and now I am at the library. I've been having a lot of trouble with my anxiety lately. My thoughts seem to go from hopeful to dark. For example:

I'm going to die one day. I'm going to be old one day. It will be here so fast.

Hopeful: I am leaving out all the stuff that will happen to me between now and then. I will get married, I will have children. When the time comes for me to go I will feel fulfilled (and probably ready)

Dark: I don't want to die. I don't want that day to come.

Hopeful: I believe in reincarnation. I believe I will live another full life. I believe I have lived other lives. Once I am dead I won't know I am dead. I will just go onto my next life.

I remember I used to joke about getting older. I remember I used to say that when I'm 50 or 60 I'm still going to be dancing in clubs. Now I just feel anxiety and fear. It's been recent as well. Then there's the night terrors. The dark thoughts come at night. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of the month, I'm going to talk to her about being put on meds for this (and my anxiety).

A while back Pete made a comment about how even if couples stay together it will end in death. I feel that's what sort of started this all. I know it's obvious, but I had never thought that way. Now when I sleep next to him I have night terrors about him getting old and dying. About waking up and finding him dead. I'm trying to look at it in a positive light. Like, the fact I can picture a long relationship is good, right? And it's not like I don't like being with him. I just get scared.

I have a horrible fear of abandonment so instead of just living day by day I wonder, "will we be together 20 years from now?", "will this last?", "am I going to get hurt again." I look at all my friends and relatives who have been together for 10, 15, 20 years. They all had to start somewhere. The concept of "forever" is scary for me. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just my borderline talking.

I want to get better at living in the moment. So, I've decided to do a few things.

1. For one week I will only go online for 1 hour. I will do this outside of my house.

2. I will meditate each day.

3. I will read each day.

4. I will try to go for a walk each day.

5. I will participate in the 100 days of happiness challenge.

This feeling is temporary. I can get through this.

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