Today I stepped outside of my comfort zone, outside of my black and white boxes. You see, for people with BPD we very often see the word in black and white and never the greys (hence the name of this blog). Things are either amazing or terrible. Someone cannot be angry and love us at the same time. If they are mad then they must hate us. It's taken me a long time to chip away at this particular world view, and while I still have trouble, I have come a long way.
I've really been missing Pete, which shouldn't be a surprise, but I've been ignoring it because I'm trying to be strong. The other day I considered sending him a text just to say I was thinking of him, but talked myself out of it because I saw it as a moment of weakness. Today I sent that text. I sent it because I am trying to think outside my borderline brain. First of all, the text basically said, "Thinking of you, miss you, hope you're well." Now I want to share what a borderline brain would think and how I used my wise mind to change that thinking.
BPD Brain-"I'm a failure, I was doing so well. I had this great streak going, but I ruined and showed him how weak I am. Ugh I feel so guilty!"
Wise Mind-"It wasn't a moment of weakness. I did it on my own free will and not because I broke down. I didn't beg him to see me, I didn't ask him anything, and it was just one text. There is nothing wrong with sending him a text saying I'm thinking of him. In fact, who knows, maybe he needed it. I didn't do anything wrong and I should not feel guilty.
He texted me back said he's missed me, hopes I' doing well, and that he's going to be calling the place I interviewed at to give me a reference. I told him I'm great, thanked him, and said I'll see him on the 9th.
This was stepping outside my comfort zone, and I couldn't be prouder!