Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sometimes I Wonder Why I Even Bother

I'm really frustrated with myself right now. I had such a rough week and I know it was really draining on Pete. So, all I wanted to do was prove to him that I could get through the weekend without sending him a billion texts and calling him every 5 minutes.

I was so proud of myself yesterday. I went the whole day without calling or texting him. I did stuff for me, and I even worked on how to improve myself. I ended up texting him later that night and he told me he'd call me later when he was done hanging out with his friend. I did so good with being patient, and I even did well when he text me to tell me he wouldn't be available to talk that night. I asked him if I could call him the next day, and he said yes but didn't give me a specific time.

Well, apparently it was all pointless. I've basically been calling and texting every 2-3 hours since noon and of course I'm now panicky that I've once again screwed everything up. All I am thinking is, "welp, he is probably just going to be mad and focus on how much I've fucked up today."

I knew he was hanging with his friend this weekend
I knew he was sugaring
I knew he didn't have his phone

But did that stop me? No. Of course not.

I'm so mad at myself.

I've been trying to calm myself down. I went to Barnes & Noble for a bit, made some tea, added photos to my collage book, watched a bunch of Jenna Marbles videos, went through my junk draw and old papers.

I've been taking my medication as well.

I'm just afraid it's too late and I've messed things up.

Panic. Why can't I do anything right? I was doing so well. But now he's not even going to see that. He's just going to see how much I've messed up today.

I'm trying to calm myself.

I feel so frustrated :(

I wish I did well all weekend. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

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