First things first....I have a kitty! I adopted him from this really nice family that was only half an hour from me. They had like 5 kids, 4 dogs, kittens, a turtle, but they were really nice and fun. I've been wanting to get a kitten to help me feel less alone. I've been smiling since the ride home.
I named him Desmond (Dezzy for short). He's named after my favorite Beatles song, "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da (Life Goes On). If you're unfamiliar, LYRICS! He's super affectionate which is exactly what I wanted.
I had a really great day today. I even managed to stay positive when I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted. I was outside pretty much the whole day and just smiling a lot. I know not every day will be perfect, but if I can just smile and breathe I know I'll be okay.
Remember how I was having issues with thinking about getting older and mortality? Well, as I was sitting on my bed I thought of something that just made something in my brain click. When I was 14 years old I went to my first wake (my Grandmother died when I was 10, but I was too young at that point). That wake was for one of my classmates, Jimmy Trant. He had hanged himself in 8th or 9th grade. I remember seeing his body and freaking out at the site of a kid the same age as me. I thought of Jimmy tonight. No reason, nothing to trigger it. Then I realized. Yes, life is hard, but with those hard moments comes amazing moments. I've had a lot of hardships to deal with, but I have a lot of great memories and I will continue to have hard and amazing times. Jimmy won't. Jimmy's memories ended at 14. I can't even think about how much I would have missed if my life ended at 14. Same with if my life were to end at 31. It's not going to be easy, but Jimmy reminded me that life is worth living.