Thursday, April 10, 2014

One Month

Pete came over and we had our talk. I'm not going to get into details, because a lot of it is his personal business. Basically it boils down to this: He likes me and he has feelings for me, but he can't be in a relationship with me because he has his own shit he needs to figure out and if he's with me he gets too emotionally attached and is constantly worried about me and how I am. There were a lot of tears, and trust me when I say it was hard on him.

Intellectually and logically I know this is for the best. This will really be a chance for me to work on myself and continue bettering myself. More stretching, more hooping, more smiling, more reading, more DBT, more meditation. Just more positive. It will also help me be able to stay consistent with it because I won't have a boy distracting me.

I moved because of a really bad breakup, and I promised myself that I would work on myself and I would work on being okay being alone, even when I was in a relationship. When I first moved I had a ton of resources because the place I had therapy at required you to have an entire team (therapist, psych, nurse, case manager). Plus I was in group. Since I moved out of their jurisdiction I've only been able to see a therapist once a week. She's great, but I need more. I'm waiting for the Mental Health Center to call me back. They work very much like Riverbend where you have a team of people.

He plans on seeing me in a month, but has no idea what else will happen. I also know trying to get him to predict things isn't fair to either of us. I also had a realization. No matter what happens, if I work on me and focus on me, it won't matter.

If he decided he just wants to be friends or wants more space, I will be okay because I would have spent so much time focusing on myself without distractions. If he does decide he wants to date me again, then I'll have grown more and will be a lot healthier at being with someone. At least I hope that's true.

Tomorrow I plan on: doing Zumba abs; searching for work; working on my next podcast episode; going to the park to read, meditate, and maybe hoop. I also want to start doing sun salutation in the morning again along with fish oil and vitamin D3. There's a few other things I'm hoping to do tomorrow (such as working on my book). The important thing is for me to be consistent and get out of the house.

I'm determined to really take this next month and enlighten and better myself. So much so, that whether or not he wants to be in my life won't matter. I'll be strong enough to handle it either way. I've deleted him pics and number from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to text/call him (I gave the number to a friend to hang on to since I do plan on talking to him again).

I know this is for the best and if I'm happy then everything will fall into place. I'm glad he's doing it this way because he understands just cutting me out isn't good for me. Having a concrete time frame helps me. I may not know what will happen, but it's a goal I can set for myself. It makes it less scary, it makes me feel less abandon.

I'm going to do my best for the next month to focus on me and not worry or wonder about him. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I'll miss him, I'll be tempted to call him, I'll be tempted to text him things I want to say, I'll worry about what will happen, I will wonder what he's doing. But I know I can do this. I know I am strong. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier.

I think this will be good for me. It will challenge me, but it will be good for me.

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