Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I'm Wide Awake

I've been having a LOT of anxiety and worry lately. More than usual. I've been in and out of the ER 4 or 5 times, prescribed ativan and hydroxyzine. I have night terrors. It sucks. I'm literally afraid to go to sleep.

I've been trying my best to stay positive. Recent blog posts:

http://melsborderlinebrain.blogspot.com/2014/04/trying-to-be-blue.html
http://melsborderlinebrain.blogspot.com/2014/04/positive-living-day-1.html

The things I've been struggling with a lot lately are the concept of dying and getting older. I have never given it much thought, but now I can't stop thinking about the end of my life.

I've been trying to keep positive by telling myself that I'm only 31 and I have many years to go. Not only that, but there will be many things that will make me feel fulfilled when I am ready to depart from this world.

But then there's the part of me that isn't suicidal, but is scared to live. It says, "Wow, you do have a lot of years to live. A lot of years to get hurt, to fuck up, to feel alone and scared. Soooo, can we just not do it?" I don't want to hurt myself, I just wish I could not exist.

Anyway, my therapist says it's because I don't feel grounded right now. I am unemployed after being fired from a job that I loved and I'm in a really confusing relationship. The later I've been afraid to face.

I literally cannot function in a relationship like a normal human. I can't just take it day by day. Instead I'm thinking things like, "will I marry this person?", "Will we grow old together?", "Will I die first so I don't have to deal with living a day without them?"

We're having the "relationship talk" tomorrow. Because we act like a fucking couple, but he "broke up" with me cause it got intense. Now it just feels like we're dating, but just not seeing each other everyday.

I'm terrified. I know this is a big reason why I'm feeling so lost and anxious. Because I feel uncertainty. But I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to be told that he doesn't want to date. I'm fucking scared. I'm trying to stay positive, but when all you can think about is 10, 20, 30 years from now...it's hard.

It's just my BPD.

My brain is lying to me.

I can get through this.

My belief in reincarnation helps me cope, but I just get overwhelmed. I feel comforted one minute and the next terrified.

Practice makes perfect?

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