Sunday, April 20, 2014

Financial Woes

One of my weaknesses of not being able to stay in the moment is finances. There is nothing I can do now, but I'm still worrying.

I think before I declare Bankruptcy I am going to talk to someone about debt consolidation. The only problem with that is I can't see how I will have any room in my budget to make the payments. I was going to cancel my car insurance, but then I remembered I am financing my car. At this point, unless some kind person makes a really big donation to me, I really think Chapter 7 is my only option.

This really sucks, I don't even have money to save. I'm going to be living check to check for the rest of my life. This is what happens, I look at my situation now and assume it's going to be that way for the rest of my life. I have pretty much gone most of my life avoiding credit cards, and now that I have two I have no idea how I'm going to make payments on them (and that doesn't even include my store cards). When I got them I guess I was hopeful that I'd be getting the job at a Hospital. That's what I get for being blue.

I don't even have a job yet. Now I'm panicking because I'm getting hopeful about getting the job I'm interviewing for on Tues. What a great way to jinx myself into not getting the job. Like I said I look at my situation now and think, "where is there room for me to save? How am I going to save for my future? A house? My future kids? I'm going to be 50 with still nothing in my savings." I panic, I worry, and I can't stop it.

I even panic about doing something like chapter 13 Bankruptcy because you have to make payments for 3-5 years and I think, "I'll be 34-36 by then, closer to being old, closer to death. For me to be debt free I need to be older. It will come so fast," and I panic. I'm also worried I won't even be able to afford bankruptcy.

I'm trying to stay in the moment. I'm trying to remind myself that I will be talking to someone tomorrow. I am trying to remind myself that I should first go to the interview and at least get the job. This is exactly why I avoided credit cards. So I wouldn't have the extra bills. Even if I get this job with my rent, car payment, and insurance there is absolutely no room for an extra bill. I'll barely be able to afford gas, food, and stuff for Desmond (which needs to come first).

My mind is racing, it's going 100 miles a minutes. I'm trying to be in the moment, I really am.

It's so hard in these situations :(

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