Thursday, April 10, 2014

Doing Alright for the Shape I'm In

Took a Seroquel around 7pm as directed and put on some meditation music. I got to sleep pretty quickly, but woke up around 2:00am I woke up feeling sad and panicky. I took an Ativan and put on music again and feel back asleep. It was a pretty restless sleep, and I woke up again around 9:00am feeling a great cloud of despair.

I texted him a few times to make sure he was still coming over. I'm scared he's going to bail again. It's not fair that he gets to do this to me over text message. He should at least give me the chance to respond face to face. Obviously I can't force him, but he said he'd be over. He told me to write things down.

My therapist says this grief has a life. That I will not always feel like this. I know I won't feel like this forever. He just wants space for a few months, and really that isn't that far. I mean, I went a year and a half not having contact with T.

Of course my borderline and anxiety is trying to lie to me and make me upset. What if he moves away in a few months? What if he finds someone else. A few months? That will be July. That's close to the end of summer, closer to the end of the year, close to me dying alone.

I know I can't think like that. I know I can't base how I feel and what I do on him. I know I will not die alone, I am just thinking this way because it feels like that right now. I hate these feelings. I hate them because they make me feel anxious and overwhelmed. I just want to run away from them.

I have no idea what's going to come of our talk today. I just know I'm going to continue to work on me and maybe this pain will go away.

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