Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Positive Living-Day 23


  • Spent time writing today! I wrote a political article. Almost forgot how much I love it.
  • I also worked on my next book. It's pretty much done, just needs editing. I've just been focusing on, "Absorb."
  • Got some stuff for Desmond.
  • Spent time in Starbucks. It's nice to get out of the house.
  • Had an intense, but helpful therapy session.
  • Rain
  • Late night coffee shops
  • Pamprin (you can probably guess why)
  • Radical acceptance, while hard, is sometimes necessary
Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day
is the rest we take between two deep breathes
-Etty Hullesum

Positive Living-Day 22


  • Spent some time at Barnes and Noble
  • Got invited to do an observation at that job I've been talking about
  • Getting my period. Trust me, I have reasons to be grateful for this
  • Honesty
  • Time heals all wounds. Some wounds just take longer, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
Do what you can, with what you've got, where you are.-Theodore Roosevelt

Monday, April 28, 2014

Positive Living-Day 21

  • Paid some bills today
  • Was able to calm down quickly after losing my temper
  • Got good news regarding the job I really want
  • Was honest with someone and it felt really good
  • Learned new things at the animal shelter
  • Found something I lost when I was not even looking for it
  • Signed up for a 5K walk/run (I'll be walking) for mental illness awareness
  • I saw Pete. It was good.
  • The people at J. Dubs for being so awesome
  • The parking ticket lady that *didn't* give me a ticket when I asked
  • Just breathe
  • "Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you. Don't you know that everything's alright, yes everything's fine."
Believe that you have it, and you have it-Latin Proverb

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Positive Living-Day 20



  • Went to Oak Grove cemetery in Medford (my home town) and brought flowers to my grandparents (yesterday was the anniversary of my maternal grandmother's death). Pretty much 90% of my dead family is in Oak Grove so I did a "tour". I couldn't find everyone, but hopefully they knew I was there.
  • Went to Davis square in Somerville and stopped by Comicazi (my comic book store since 2004, no matter where I live!), and had lunch/dinner at Boston Burger Company.
  • Pete called me (after some texts). We are probably going to see each other before the 9th. I'm okay with this because, well, gray.
  • Change. Without it I cannot learn and grow.
  • Hard times. Without it I also cannot learn and grow (and I probably wouldn't have this kick ass tattoo on my back).
  • Never mistake caring and kindness for weakness. Especially your own. Sometimes letting your defenses down is the strongest thing you can do.
Learn to wish that everything may happen as it does-Epictetus

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Positive Living-Day 19

  • Made $150 acting in a YouTube TV series
  • Went to Impulse and saw people I haven't in a month, and had and awesome conversation
  • I got lots of kitten cuddles
  • Went to dinner with some friends/old co-workers from work. It was great seeing them and catching up.
  • Technology. Because it allows me to keep in touch with people, and do something I love (host my podcast).
  • Bass. Yup.
  • Ride emotions like a wave. 
  • To always be positive and searching for happiness is a very western thing. It's also not natural. Eastern philosophy and religion teaches us to be aware and accept our emotions, but to also not hold on to them. Without the "negative" emotions we cannot appreciate the positive ones.
Let silence take you to the core of life-Rumi

Friday, April 25, 2014

Positive Living-Day 18


  • I was on a local radio show this morning for the Pet Sense segment. I got to talk about volunteering at the shelter.
  • I stepped outside my comfort zone and texted Pete to say I was thinking of him (see other post for more details). He also said he was going to give me a reference.
  • I took a walk to the library and spent some time there, and then downtown. 
  • I finally got around to re-formatting my book. I am hoping to release it by May 10th.
  • I found an extra $45.
  • I got an email from the job I interviewed for saying I have plenty of work experience and asking if I could send another reference.
  • My friend Christian for taking extra time out of his day to help me with formatting my book.
  • R for letting be on his show.
  • The man at the library who complimented my nails.
  • Lonely and alone are two different things.
  • Sometimes it's okay to just have a lazy day. Don't feel guilty.
  • Guilt is a harsh emotion. Especially unfound guilt. Do what makes you happy, just don't intentionally hurt anyone.
Very little is needed to make a happy life-Marcus Aurelius

Stepping Outside my Comfort (BPD) Zone

Today I stepped outside of my comfort zone, outside of my black and white boxes. You see, for people with BPD we very often see the word in black and white and never the greys (hence the name of this blog). Things are either amazing or terrible. Someone cannot be angry and love us at the same time. If they are mad then they must hate us. It's taken me a long time to chip away at this particular world view, and while I still have trouble, I have come a long way.

I've really been missing Pete, which shouldn't be a surprise, but I've been ignoring it because I'm trying to be strong. The other day I considered sending him a text just to say I was thinking of him, but talked myself out of it because I saw it as a moment of weakness. Today I sent that text. I sent it because I am trying to think outside my borderline brain. First of all, the text basically said, "Thinking of you, miss you, hope you're well." Now I want to share what a borderline brain would think and how I used my wise mind to change that thinking.

BPD Brain-"I'm a failure, I was doing so well. I had this great streak going, but I ruined and showed him how weak I am. Ugh I feel so guilty!"

Wise Mind-"It wasn't a moment of weakness. I did it on my own free will and not because I broke down. I didn't beg him to see me, I didn't ask him anything, and it was just one text. There is nothing wrong with sending him a text saying I'm thinking of him. In fact, who knows, maybe he needed it. I didn't do anything wrong and I should not feel guilty.

He texted me back said he's missed me, hopes I' doing well, and that he's going to be calling the place I interviewed at to give me a reference. I told him I'm great, thanked him, and said I'll see him on the 9th.

This was stepping outside my comfort zone, and I couldn't be prouder!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Positive Living-Day 17

  • Interviewed with Big Brothers/Big Sisters
  • Had a job interview for a part time position
  • Deleted an old email address and did some cleaning up of my YouTube account
  • Went for a walk
  • Spent some time at the library
  • Looked into videos on and plan on, well, doing yoga.
  • I'm caught up with my bills, I have a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, gas in my car. Things could be much worse.
  • To quote the Murphy's, "the world ain't gonna change for me."
  • It's okay to not be okay.
  • Don't judge someone based on how far you've walked with them. Chances are they have been traveling much longer before they met you.
The smell of good baking bread,
like the sound of lightly flowing water,
is indescribably in its evocation of
innocence and delight
-M.F.K. Fisher

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Positive Living-Day 16


  • I met with a bankruptcy lawyer today. I'm eligible for Chapter 7. My biggest obstacle will be coming up with the fees. I feel a bit better now that there is less uncertainty.
  • Technically it happened yesterday, but I didn't get to mention it. I got offered a cameo roll in a local YouTube TV series. It pays $150, so I am counting this as good karma coming into my life.
  • I have a job interview for a part time position tomorrow. If the interview from yesterday does take a month turn around time I am going to need something in the meantime.
  • I had an excellent therapy session. I felt like I really made progress (I will talk more about that in the mindfulness portion).
  • I took steps to let go of the past by emailing people whom I had either wronged or who I was clinging onto. I feel free, and released.
  • The people in my best. Whether long term or short term, good influence or bad, they helped shape who I am.
  • My therapist. She's just awesome.
  • All the people at Haven last night who complimented me and helped me feel confident.
  • Sometimes the best thing you can do is radical acceptance.
  • If something is distressing ask yourself if there is anything you can do in that moment. If the only thing you can do is worry, then let it be for now and know you will eventually be able to tend to the problem.
Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance-Gabrielle "CoCo" Chanel

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Positive Living-Day 15

  • I had, what I felt, was an excellent interview
  • Traded in a couple games at Game Stop
  • Had a conversation that made me smile a lot
  • Had a doctors appointment that went well
  • Re-did my resume, and made one for office jobs as well as started job searching in that area
  • The lady who told me I could use her parking spot
  • The strength inside me that I'm going to need for tonight
  • My feet and legs. Because without them I couldn't stompy stompy tonight!
  • Do you have an agenda? So does nature. Guess who's agenda wins?
  • Asking for help doesn't make you weak. In fact, it shows you are strong and brave enough to do what a lot of people won't or can't.
Rain in grace; rain in the sky
condescending to the earth;
without rain, there would be no life.
-John Updike

Monday, April 21, 2014

Positive Living-Day 14

  • Spent time at the animal shelter. I learned to do more stuff and felt accomplished
  • Recorded a new episode of my podcast
  • Got a private message on Twitter from someone awesome
  • Scheduled a Bankruptcy consultation. Not only this, but I actually gathered all the paperwork I need.
  • Gathered paperwork and did research for my interview tomorrow (which I feel really optimistic about)
  • Dyed my hair (specifically for my interview)
  • The beautiful weather
  • The awesome people at the Animal Shelter
  • The fact I was able to remain positive even in stressful situations
  • Judge yourself for the long run, not the short spurts. You're going to stumble, what's important is you keep moving
  • No one has the right to judge your progress, but you
  • Compare you to you
Simplicity is an exact medium between too little and too much-Sir Joshua Reynolds

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Positive Living-Day 13


  • Went over my Dad's house for Easter brunch. I saw my younger step siblings that I probably haven't seen for a couple of years as well as my future step sister-in law and my step grandparents. I had a lot of fun conversing and hanging out with everyone.
  • Went to my Mom's after and spent time with her and my sister. My sister made really awesome scones (among other things).
  • I resisted the urge to text Pete.
  • A Facebook friend told me I was beautiful
  • My own strength and mindfulness
  • Family
  • It's okay to not be okay
  • Don't repress negative emotions. Accept them as they are
Reduce the complexity of life by eliminating the needless wants of life,
and the labors of life reduce themselves
-Edwin Way Teale

Financial Woes

One of my weaknesses of not being able to stay in the moment is finances. There is nothing I can do now, but I'm still worrying.

I think before I declare Bankruptcy I am going to talk to someone about debt consolidation. The only problem with that is I can't see how I will have any room in my budget to make the payments. I was going to cancel my car insurance, but then I remembered I am financing my car. At this point, unless some kind person makes a really big donation to me, I really think Chapter 7 is my only option.

This really sucks, I don't even have money to save. I'm going to be living check to check for the rest of my life. This is what happens, I look at my situation now and assume it's going to be that way for the rest of my life. I have pretty much gone most of my life avoiding credit cards, and now that I have two I have no idea how I'm going to make payments on them (and that doesn't even include my store cards). When I got them I guess I was hopeful that I'd be getting the job at a Hospital. That's what I get for being blue.

I don't even have a job yet. Now I'm panicking because I'm getting hopeful about getting the job I'm interviewing for on Tues. What a great way to jinx myself into not getting the job. Like I said I look at my situation now and think, "where is there room for me to save? How am I going to save for my future? A house? My future kids? I'm going to be 50 with still nothing in my savings." I panic, I worry, and I can't stop it.

I even panic about doing something like chapter 13 Bankruptcy because you have to make payments for 3-5 years and I think, "I'll be 34-36 by then, closer to being old, closer to death. For me to be debt free I need to be older. It will come so fast," and I panic. I'm also worried I won't even be able to afford bankruptcy.

I'm trying to stay in the moment. I'm trying to remind myself that I will be talking to someone tomorrow. I am trying to remind myself that I should first go to the interview and at least get the job. This is exactly why I avoided credit cards. So I wouldn't have the extra bills. Even if I get this job with my rent, car payment, and insurance there is absolutely no room for an extra bill. I'll barely be able to afford gas, food, and stuff for Desmond (which needs to come first).

My mind is racing, it's going 100 miles a minutes. I'm trying to be in the moment, I really am.

It's so hard in these situations :(

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Positive Living-Day 12


  • I made the decision to talk to someone about filing for Bankruptcy. I've thought about it before, but never did it because, 1.) It seems intimidating to go through the process 2.) The stigma attached to it. However, the more I think about it the more it might be my best option. It will give me a (mostly) fresh start, and I won't have collectors coming after me. I have debt that I'm probably not going to be able to pay. I don't know if I'm eligible for 7 or 13, but the best I can do is at least talk to someone.
  • I am doing my best to try and not worry about stuff I have no control over right now. I have an interview on Tuesday, and I am already worry about being able to pay bills on it. I haven't even had the interview yet, let alone been offered the job. There is no point in trying to figure stuff out. Especially since I'm superstitious, and believe in jinxes. So, if I'm trying to budget on a job I haven't gotten it makes me feel like I'm going to jinx myself out of not getting the job.
  • I didn't really do much today, and I slept a lot. You know what? That's okay.
  • A friend on facebook giving me info on lawyers
  • Everyone who gave me advice on filing for bankruptcy
  • Ask yourself, "is there anything I can do about my situation right now?" If the answer is no, then just let it be. Because all that you can do is worry and dwell, and that will cause anxiety.
Let things taste of what they are-Alice Waters

Being in the Now

For a good part of the day I have been worrying about my debt and expenses. I'm really anxious and stressed right now. I'm not doing a good job of staying in the now. For one, I don't even know if I'm going to get the job I am interviewing for, and I am already worrying about being able to afford things on it.

There is nothing I can do right now, so why worry so much? I have a consultation with a Bankruptcy lawyer on Monday. It may not be the best option, but I want to at least get information. However, right now there is no sense worrying. I can't do anything, so I need to focus on the present moment.

I think I just get really overwhelmed, and my mind races into the future. I will figure something out. I always do.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Impressing Myself

I've been trying to use this break from Pete as an opportunity to really improve myself. I'm trying to be more positive, more mindful, more aware. I'm trying to get better at forgiving myself if I slip up.

That's something my therapist and I talked about a lot in our last session. It's also something I'm reading about in the book, "Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change." The concept that anger is often drawn out because we either cling to it and dwell on it or we repress it. Something that should only last a few minutes can last for hours or longer. For example, if someone cuts me off I am probably going to feel annoyed. However, what I want to stop doing is holding on to that annoyance so it turns into rage and ruins my whole day.

Forgiving one's self is important in being mindful, and I often have difficulty with it. I'm so caught up in getting validations and approval from other people that I forget the only person's approval that should really matter is my own.

The first of the Buddhist vows is the, "Pratimoksha Vow". It's a commitment to doing our best to not cause harm with our actions or words or thoughts, a commitment to being good to one another. I'm really try to commit to this, but also forgive myself if/when I slip up. It takes practice, and for someone like me it can be a little harder. Because of my disorder I have to try extra hard, I have to practice more.

I am, at the core, a very good person. I am kind, compassionate, and I would never intentionally hurt someone. Even when I do it unintentionally I feel a great deal of shame and guilt. It's those times I must love and forgive myself most. If I am committing to this vow, I must also include myself. This means no putting myself down, no hating myself for making a mistake.

I was talking to a friend today, and I expressed that part of me feels the only reason I am doing so well is because I know I am going to see Pete again in a few weeks. If I didn't know when I'd see him again or if he simply cut me out of his life, would I be doing as well? I don't know because I am not in that situation. I can only speak to the one I am in now.

Here is what I realized; When he started the break I had choices. I could have said to myself, "Well, I'm going to see him in  month so I'll just spend every day doing nothing and just waiting for that day." I could have refused and spent every day calling and texting him. I could done everything I'm doing, but also updated him about everything.

The fact is I'm not. I'm doing all this stuff and I haven't called or texted him once. Do I miss him? Of course I do. Does part of me get excited to share how well I'm doing? I'm not going to lie, yes. But there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with wanting to impress the people you love. Just as long as it's not your only reason. It's okay for me to be impressed with myself, but no one else is. What's not okay is everyone but yourself being impressed with you.

Positive Living-Day 11


  • Hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in a few years
  • Went to Planned Parenthood to get an IUD, but ended up with meds for a UTI instead (it's positive because had I not gone I probably would still be suffering)
  • Planned Parenthood
  • Being able to forgive myself when I got angry at Geico
  • H for making me laugh 
  • Desmond for always making me smile
  • Start each day with a clean slate. Yesterday is no more, and today you are a new person.
  • Emotions are a part of life. Embrace them, but don't cling to them.
To me a lush carpet of pine needles or spongy grass
 is more welcome than the most luxurious Persian rug
-Helen Keller

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Positive Living-Day 10


  • Didn't let people who were talking trash bother me
  • Meditated
  • Got Fro-Yo
  • Cleaned my apartment
  • (Going to) Resurrection
  • Desmond for distracting me from wandering thoughts
  • The lady at Starbucks who always remembers my name
  • Music
  • Be fully present
  • Feel with your heart
  • Engage the next moment without agenda
  • Don't repress thoughts, but also don't chase them away. Accept them and then let go
Joy in looking and comprehending is nature's most beautiful gift-Albert Einstein

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Positive Living-Day 9


  • I ended toxic relationships today
  • I had a breakthrough in therapy
  • Paid 2 months worth of rent
  • I spent time catching up with a friend from high school (lots of laughs)
  • I allowed myself to feel a negative emotion
  • Charged my stones under the full moon and picked out ones to carry this month
  • I volunteered at the shelter
  • While at dinner with my friend I saw a few people I hadn't seen in a while. One of them was someone who left my life. I was able to talk about how good I have been doing, and it was a moment of pride for me
  • Got the book I ordered on Amazon that my friend suggested to me
  • Myself for having the courage and strength to walk away
  • My friends for being in my corner
  • Sometimes burning bridges is the best thing you can do
  • Don't let the bastards get ya down
  • The only thing certain in life is that life is uncertain
Omit needless words-William Strunk & E.B. White

Breakthroughs and Burned Bridges

"Your vulnerability lies in relationships."

I nodded my head in agreement.

My therapist continued, "Somewhere early in your life someone abandon you, someone hurt you. Now when you're in a relationship you feel abandon and vulnerable."

I told her how when I moved I had just broken up with J and I was determined to really work on myself. I didn't date or have sex for a year and I was doing really well. There were bumps, but for the most part I was really improving. Then when I got into a relationship I became scared, dependent, and (as my therapist said) vulnerable. Now that Pete and I are doing our break, I'm doing really well again.

She was absolutely right about someone abandoning me. That person was my Father. As a child I was very close to him, but when he married my Step-Mom he basically chose her over his own kids. He never did anything about the fact she was abusive towards me. I told my therapist that he didn't really abandon me because he's still in my life and I see him and talk to him. Not every day, but still often. She pointed out that while he didn't abandon me physically, he abandoned me emotionally and that can sometimes be a lot worse.

Soooo, ya, big breakthrough in therapy. Though, part of me already knew that. I just never acknowledged it because I never saw it as, "abandonment". This is something I need to work hardest on. I'm ready for it.

In other news I burned a bridge today. You might think, "why would you do that?" This was actually a HUGE step for me. In DBT interpersonal effectiveness teaches to end troublesome relationships. Because I have such a hard time and an intense fear with abandonment, I will cling to any relationship even if it's toxic. There were a couple of people in my life who were, in fact, very toxic to me. I realized today that by keeping them in my life I was giving them power. So I burned the bridge.

I can't tell you how free it makes me feel, how much better I feel. I'm so proud of myself. Today I faced angry, bitter, hateful people and I remained mindful and positive.

Thanks to all my friends who stood up for me.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Positive Living-Day 8


  • I got an interview at a place that's working with troubled youth 8-18. I've literally been trying to get interviewed there since I left ES.
  • I got an interview to become a Big Sister with BB/BS
  • Saw my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin at their store and a nice chat with them
  • Bought a few things for Desmond
  • Went to FYE  and made 2 CDs. A few months ago my CD case was stolen out of my car and it had a bunch of the CDs I had made. I took the songs I really liked and turned, like, 8 CDs into 2
  • Going to have dinner with my cousin and his fiancee. I'm excited cause they have the most adorable son!
  • Traded in some books at Thriftys
  • It's my Mom and Step Dad's anniversary
  • The lady who helped me out at Petco
  • The rain. Because it's cleansing.
  • My cousin for dinner
  • Being able to smile even when I was stressed
  • It's not always going to be easy. I miss him. But if I fight through the tough moments then I can experience the good ones
  • It won't always be the same. Change can be amazing.
Be good, keep your feet dry, your eyes open, your heart at peace....-Thomas Merton

Monday, April 14, 2014

Positive Living-Day 7


  • Did 10 minutes of meditation this morning (about to do 10 before bed)
  • Got my car registered
  • Went to a local coffee shop for the first time (even though I've passed by it many times)
  • Bought new no-tie shoe laces (they're bungee). Trust me, this is really positive LOL
  • Pretty much spent the whole day outside or in public places
  • I kept calm when I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted
  • I adopted a kitty (see last post)!
  • Got to see an old friend spontaneously
  • Made plans with a couple of people this week
  • Helped people on 7cups
  • The weather. So nice, even though it was a bit windy
  • The kind words my friend had for me
  • Life is hard, but with the hard comes the amazing. I can't experience life if I cut it short.
  • Not everyone is meant to stay in my life

Realizations....AND KITTY!

First things first....I have a kitty! I adopted him from this really nice family that was only half an hour from me. They had like 5 kids, 4 dogs, kittens, a turtle, but they were really nice and fun. I've been wanting to get a kitten to help me feel less alone. I've been smiling since the ride home.

I named him Desmond (Dezzy for short). He's named after my favorite Beatles song, "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da (Life Goes On). If you're unfamiliar, LYRICS! He's super affectionate which is exactly what I wanted.

I had a really great day today. I even managed to stay positive when I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted. I was outside pretty much the whole day and just smiling a lot. I know not every day will be perfect, but if I can just smile and breathe I know I'll be okay.

Remember how I was having issues with thinking about getting older and mortality? Well, as I was sitting on my bed I thought of something that just made something in my brain click. When I was 14 years old I went to my first wake (my Grandmother died when I was 10, but I was too young at that point). That wake was for one of my classmates, Jimmy Trant. He had hanged himself in 8th or 9th grade. I remember seeing his body and freaking out at the site of a kid the same age as me. I thought of Jimmy tonight. No reason, nothing to trigger it. Then I realized. Yes, life is hard, but with those hard moments comes amazing moments. I've had a lot of hardships to deal with, but I have a lot of great memories and I will continue to have hard and amazing times. Jimmy won't. Jimmy's memories ended at 14. I can't even think about how much I would have missed if my life ended at 14. Same with if my life were to end at 31. It's not going to be easy, but Jimmy reminded me that life is worth living.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Positive Living-Day 6


  • Meditated
  • Apologized to a friend
  • Forgave myself for my anger
  • thought of names for my future kitty (a boy one and a girl one)
  • Called and talked to both my parents
  • Got a nice text from my sister
  • L for putting up with me
  • Bella Vendetta for being my guest on my first podcast episode since taking a break
  • Tomorrow is a new day
  • Don't dwell. People stumble, it's okay not to be perfect.

When the Red Comes Out

While it doesn't come out as often as it used to, I still tend to have very explosive anger. My friend L and I drove over an hour so I could get a kitten today. I get very frustrated when I don't know where I am, and unfortunately I was quick to anger and got very irritated. I'm trying my best to forgive myself. I know everyday won't be perfect sunshine and roses. I just feel bad. I feel bad I wasn't able to do what I told myself I would do. Take a deep breathe before reacting. I love L, but since she's a lot more extroverted than I am it can be overwhelming. I don't want to say something that's going to hurt her (or anyone for that matter) feelings.

I did some meditation (only about 6 minutes). I want to try to do the following four every morning for at least the next month. I say month because I think the reason I am not consistent with things is half of my brain goes, "I'm going to do this thing every single day!"and the other half goes, "Really? Every day? For the rest of your life. Ha! Good luck!" I think giving myself short time goals is key.

  • Sun Salutation
  • 10 minutes of meditation
  • Zumba abs
  • Take vitamins  
The last one I will hopefully definitely keep doing after a month. As for the others I will just go from the next point. Thinking of things in terms of "forever" is overwhelming. Plus it's not realistic. I know for a fact I will not do zumba abs every morning for the rest of my life. It's about staying in the moment, and taking baby steps.

I also want to do the following at night (again having a finishing point then starting again from there)

  • 10 minutes of meditation
  • Reading
I'm just trying to improve myself and take things one day at a time.

That's all we can do, right?

Training My Thoughts

I have been trying to be more conscious of my thoughts and living in the present moment. When my thoughts start to wander I have been doing my best to bring them back to the present. If for some reason I cannot, then I've started turning negative thoughts of the future into positive ones. For example if I start fretting over dying alone or even just getting older, I remind myself that I am not alone. There are many people who are around me that will grow old with my, most of all family. I also remind myself of my spiritual beliefs.

The main thing I am trying to learn and remember is that life is constantly in flux. I am trying to move away from teh thought process that if I just achieve certain things in my life then I will be happy. I cannot wait for happiness to happen, I have to be happy now. In Living a Life of Awareness the author says, "With awareness, notice when you attach to the idea of happiness in the future. When this happens say to yourself, 'I won't wait for happiness. I choose to be happy now."

I talked to one of my step brothers and he told me to try and meditate for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the afternoon. The key is finding a mantra. I think mine is going to be, "today." It's simple and it reminds me of where my mind is suppose to be.

Now here is the thing. Right now I am happy and positive, but the challenge for me will be when things aren't going as well. I'm hoping the more I practice skills and meditation while I am in a good mood, the easier it will be when I'm in a bad mood. This week alone, as I said, I've done a good job of reeling my thoughts back in.

I'm also signing up to volunteer. I start at the Animal shelter on Monday, and I signed up to be a Big Sister at BB/BS. I think this will help me. I want to help people, it's my goal in life.

My next post I am going to write down my goals.

One moment at a time. One day at a time.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Positive Living-Day 5


  • Mom's surprise 60th birthday party
  • Hung out with my friend Lindsey
  • Called THE Animal Shelter, and I start volunteering on Monday
  • Got some Beatles CDs
  • Didn't do something I really wanted to that I would have regretted
  • When my thoughts wandered I was able to bring them back to the present
  • I smiled and interacted with people a lot today (something big for an introvert)
  • Seeing family I haven't seen in a while
  • Being able to spend time with a friend
  • A great day filled with loved ones
  • Let it Be
  • If I focus on tomorrow I won't enjoy today

Friday, April 11, 2014

What I Want

A friend recently posted this photo, and it really inspired me. So, I thought I would do exactly what it says.

What I Want:
  • To help people
  • To live a life of mindfulness and awareness
My plan? I'll post that after I've written it down. Then I will work on it. Every. Single. Day.


Positive Living-Day 4


  • Paid a bunch of bills
  • Got books from Barnes and Noble to help better myself
  • Made an intake appointment at the Mental Health Center
  • Got a cute new outfit at Dots going out of business sale (for Mom's party)
  • Bought my Mom some birthday gifts
  • Took my friend's daughter out for her birthday
  • Talked to three great friends tonight
  • Got some awesome good news
  • Applied to volunteer at the Animal Shelter and Big Brothers/Big Sisters
  • I was able to pull my thoughts back to the present several times
  • My own strength
  • A reminder of what makes me happy
  • Getting one of my credit cards in the mail

  • Things will change,
  • I won't always feel the same
  • One day at a time

I Shall Not (My Personal 10 Commandments)

My 10 Commandments

1. I shall not justify myself to anyone. Especially those who are judgmental
2. I shall take three deep breaths before reacting in anger
3. I shall pull back my thoughts if they wander
4. I shall not engage with negative people online
5. I shall not do things that make me unhappy
6. I shall get outside everyday
7. I shall limit the junk that goes in my body
8. I shall practice mindfulness every day
9. I shall smile everyday
10. I shall do things for me, I shall change for me

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Positive Living-Day 3


  • I met and talked with a friend, and she gave me a bracelet that says, "one day at a time"
  • I did a little bit of hula-hooping
  • I got through a very difficult conversation without threatening to hurt myself. Not only this, but I immediately starting taking positive steps the the next month (see, "One Month" post).
  • Heidi for calling me and singing to me to cheer me up.
  • Jennifer for giving me some tough love.
  • The fact I have a chance to really prove myself.
  • A month is not long at all. This is a great opportunity to work on me.
  • If I worry about what may or may not be then I won't enjoy the present.
  • I have the chance to really improve myself in this next month. As sad and hard as it is, I consider this a gift.

One Month

Pete came over and we had our talk. I'm not going to get into details, because a lot of it is his personal business. Basically it boils down to this: He likes me and he has feelings for me, but he can't be in a relationship with me because he has his own shit he needs to figure out and if he's with me he gets too emotionally attached and is constantly worried about me and how I am. There were a lot of tears, and trust me when I say it was hard on him.

Intellectually and logically I know this is for the best. This will really be a chance for me to work on myself and continue bettering myself. More stretching, more hooping, more smiling, more reading, more DBT, more meditation. Just more positive. It will also help me be able to stay consistent with it because I won't have a boy distracting me.

I moved because of a really bad breakup, and I promised myself that I would work on myself and I would work on being okay being alone, even when I was in a relationship. When I first moved I had a ton of resources because the place I had therapy at required you to have an entire team (therapist, psych, nurse, case manager). Plus I was in group. Since I moved out of their jurisdiction I've only been able to see a therapist once a week. She's great, but I need more. I'm waiting for the Mental Health Center to call me back. They work very much like Riverbend where you have a team of people.

He plans on seeing me in a month, but has no idea what else will happen. I also know trying to get him to predict things isn't fair to either of us. I also had a realization. No matter what happens, if I work on me and focus on me, it won't matter.

If he decided he just wants to be friends or wants more space, I will be okay because I would have spent so much time focusing on myself without distractions. If he does decide he wants to date me again, then I'll have grown more and will be a lot healthier at being with someone. At least I hope that's true.

Tomorrow I plan on: doing Zumba abs; searching for work; working on my next podcast episode; going to the park to read, meditate, and maybe hoop. I also want to start doing sun salutation in the morning again along with fish oil and vitamin D3. There's a few other things I'm hoping to do tomorrow (such as working on my book). The important thing is for me to be consistent and get out of the house.

I'm determined to really take this next month and enlighten and better myself. So much so, that whether or not he wants to be in my life won't matter. I'll be strong enough to handle it either way. I've deleted him pics and number from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to text/call him (I gave the number to a friend to hang on to since I do plan on talking to him again).

I know this is for the best and if I'm happy then everything will fall into place. I'm glad he's doing it this way because he understands just cutting me out isn't good for me. Having a concrete time frame helps me. I may not know what will happen, but it's a goal I can set for myself. It makes it less scary, it makes me feel less abandon.

I'm going to do my best for the next month to focus on me and not worry or wonder about him. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I'll miss him, I'll be tempted to call him, I'll be tempted to text him things I want to say, I'll worry about what will happen, I will wonder what he's doing. But I know I can do this. I know I am strong. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier.

I think this will be good for me. It will challenge me, but it will be good for me.

Doing Alright for the Shape I'm In

Took a Seroquel around 7pm as directed and put on some meditation music. I got to sleep pretty quickly, but woke up around 2:00am I woke up feeling sad and panicky. I took an Ativan and put on music again and feel back asleep. It was a pretty restless sleep, and I woke up again around 9:00am feeling a great cloud of despair.

I texted him a few times to make sure he was still coming over. I'm scared he's going to bail again. It's not fair that he gets to do this to me over text message. He should at least give me the chance to respond face to face. Obviously I can't force him, but he said he'd be over. He told me to write things down.

My therapist says this grief has a life. That I will not always feel like this. I know I won't feel like this forever. He just wants space for a few months, and really that isn't that far. I mean, I went a year and a half not having contact with T.

Of course my borderline and anxiety is trying to lie to me and make me upset. What if he moves away in a few months? What if he finds someone else. A few months? That will be July. That's close to the end of summer, closer to the end of the year, close to me dying alone.

I know I can't think like that. I know I can't base how I feel and what I do on him. I know I will not die alone, I am just thinking this way because it feels like that right now. I hate these feelings. I hate them because they make me feel anxious and overwhelmed. I just want to run away from them.

I have no idea what's going to come of our talk today. I just know I'm going to continue to work on me and maybe this pain will go away.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Positive Living-Day 2


  • I had clarity in a really difficult situation a lot sooner than I would have in the past
  • I didn't threaten to hurt myself
  • I reached out to friends
  • I worked/am working through unpleasant feelings
  • I know I will be okay
  • I was able to drop a parking ticket
  • I met with a med doctor today
  • I started taking vitamin D3
  • I am going to really start working on myself again


  • My own strength
  • The rainbow socks I'm wearing
  • Talking with friends and feeling supported


  • These feelings feel icky now, but they will not always be this way
  • This won't last forever
  • I know this is for the best. I have calmed down quicker and I would have in the past.
  • I will not die alone. But if I focus on that then I won't have time to heal and make myself better.

Where's the Feminist?

Pete broke up with me over text message today. The thing is, I'm not even sure what he was breaking up over. He kept avoiding actually talking about what our relationship was. He just went along being intimate and sweet and romantic with me. He told me yesterday that we could talk in person today, and then I get a string of texts basically saying he can't be with me in any way and he's pretty much cutting me out of his life for a few months so he can work on his stuff.

As you can imagine I'm pretty hurt right now. He's coming over tomorrow to talk face to face. I asked him for that much. Especially because he knows what he did was cowardly. This is probably for the best, I know deep down it is. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Especially the cutting out. It makes me feel rejected and for someone with BPD that is the worst.

Part of me is accepting it. Part of me knows that this is a big reason I've been feeling so anxious and stressed and thinking about my own mortality lately. It still hurts. I hate feeling these feelings. They are so intense and make me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm going to die.

But part of DBT is learning how to deal with those unpleasant feelings. I know I'm going to be okay. I got put on meds today, I'm trying to reach out to more people, and I'm going to call the Mental Health Center. Right now I only see a therapist once a week and I need more. My old mental health place gave me a therapist, psychiatrist, nurse, group, and case manager when I was with them. I believe the new place will do that as well. I need to see more people more often. I will hate leaving my therapist, but she says I can still see her as I transition.

Right now I just feel pain. Right now all I can think about is all the stuff I won't get to do with him. Then there is the voice telling me that this will be a great opportunity to really work on myself. That this is for the best. I don't want to be with someone who isn't clear about things. I know my BPD is going into overdrive now. I know that if there is any sort of future for us it will happen, and I shouldn't force it. I have a better chance of keeping him in my life by giving him the space he needs. It still sucks though.

He's coming over tomorrow to talk face to face and he told me to write down what I want to say. Here are some excerpts that sort of sum up how I'm feelings and what's going on:

"I talked to my therapist and she thinks that since getting back with you I've gotten worse. It's caused me anxiety, worry, thoughts of my own mortality. And why? Because I always felt like I was in limbo with you. You never really defined anything for me. It felt like we were dating and in a relationship even after you “broke up” with me. We talked about talking about things, but you basically avoided it for weeks. Then you make me feel like you want to be with me by doing all these super intimate things, and I'm not talking about sex. Taking a bath with me and telling me, “there's no one I'd rather be in this tub with than you” and then saying things like, “you don't need to buy me things to get me to like you.” It made me feel like you did like me and you did have feelings for me (that and the fact you told me you did), and while yes you were slow, I felt like there was a positive future for us. Especially after Monday. But I still felt lost and confused and like I was in limbo. Why? Because you kept avoiding talking about things. You never made things clear and that is not good for someone like me.Had you said, 'look I'm not ready to be in a relationship, but I love having sex with you, so let's just have a physical friendship. But that's all it can be,' at least that would have given me a clear fucking understanding. At least I wouldn't have wasted my time because I felt you wanted me to be your gf someday. At least I would have not had any expectations."

"I'm sick of feeling abandon. I'm sick of friends ditching me. Do you know how much it sucks that my closest friends are only available by phone or email? You made me feel like I had a friend who was close. I don't connect with people easy. There is a reason I hate making new friends...because I have such a fear of abandonment. I feel hurt, betrayed, confused, used.....but it's fine, because I know how strong I am. I know you'll miss me. I've already started taking steps to better myself. I wanted you to be part of that. But if I'm not good enough, then I guess I can't do anything."

I also know I'm getting better. Why? Because through all the tears I had moments of clarity. Moments where deep down I knew this was for the best. Like my therapist says, six months from now after I've worked on me he may not seem as appealing.

It's a constant struggle in my brain. I don't like unpleasant feelings, I don't like having to admit this is probably best. There were so many things I really liked about him and it makes me sad to lose them. I'm trying to think of the things that weren't appealing, but I'm the type of person who see's the good in everyone and looks past the bad.

I can make it through. I want to enjoy life, and I'm going to get back into working on me.

Like my therapist said, "where's the feminist?"

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

When I Am Old....

  • I will dance
  • I will mediate
  • I will spend time with my future kids and grand kids
  • I will probably be okay with being in a nursing home because then I wouldn't feel alone
  • I will not be afraid of death
  • I will play children's games
  • I will watch children's shows
  • I will dye my hair purple, pink, blue, red
  • I will march with the Raging Grannies at pride parades
  • I will be one with reincarnation
  • I will have collected a lifetime of memories instead of wasting my time wondering about the future.
Me being old is not going to be like my grandmother's old. I grew up in a different time. A different world.

Today. Today. Now. Now.

I want a peaceful end.

I want to be ready to go.

I don't want it to come fast.

I'm scared.

I'm Wide Awake

I've been having a LOT of anxiety and worry lately. More than usual. I've been in and out of the ER 4 or 5 times, prescribed ativan and hydroxyzine. I have night terrors. It sucks. I'm literally afraid to go to sleep.

I've been trying my best to stay positive. Recent blog posts:

The things I've been struggling with a lot lately are the concept of dying and getting older. I have never given it much thought, but now I can't stop thinking about the end of my life.

I've been trying to keep positive by telling myself that I'm only 31 and I have many years to go. Not only that, but there will be many things that will make me feel fulfilled when I am ready to depart from this world.

But then there's the part of me that isn't suicidal, but is scared to live. It says, "Wow, you do have a lot of years to live. A lot of years to get hurt, to fuck up, to feel alone and scared. Soooo, can we just not do it?" I don't want to hurt myself, I just wish I could not exist.

Anyway, my therapist says it's because I don't feel grounded right now. I am unemployed after being fired from a job that I loved and I'm in a really confusing relationship. The later I've been afraid to face.

I literally cannot function in a relationship like a normal human. I can't just take it day by day. Instead I'm thinking things like, "will I marry this person?", "Will we grow old together?", "Will I die first so I don't have to deal with living a day without them?"

We're having the "relationship talk" tomorrow. Because we act like a fucking couple, but he "broke up" with me cause it got intense. Now it just feels like we're dating, but just not seeing each other everyday.

I'm terrified. I know this is a big reason why I'm feeling so lost and anxious. Because I feel uncertainty. But I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to be told that he doesn't want to date. I'm fucking scared. I'm trying to stay positive, but when all you can think about is 10, 20, 30 years from's hard.

It's just my BPD.

My brain is lying to me.

I can get through this.

My belief in reincarnation helps me cope, but I just get overwhelmed. I feel comforted one minute and the next terrified.

Practice makes perfect?

Positive Living-Day 1

On FaceBook I am doing the 100 days of happiness challenge. Basically for 100 days you post something that made you happy that day. Technically you're suppose to post a photo, but not everyone does it that way. I have decided that on here I am going to do, "30 days of positive living". Basically I will blog 3 things: 1. Things I did that day that were positive, 2. Something I'm grateful for,  3. Some sort of mindfulness reminder/affirmation.

Also, as far as the not being online as much. I think I am not going to do that. Chatting online is helpful to me. It helps me feel less lonely. I do want to try and cut back, but trying to "challenge" myself with something like that may not be good.

Sooooo, without further ado. Here is today's post:


  • Spent time at the library and Barnes & Noble
  • Got some books on nightmare interpretation, meditation, and controlling anxiety and stress.
  • Helped a friend
  • Went for a walk
  • Cried (sometimes a good cry can be really refreshing/helpful)
  • Picked up my meds
  • Did breathing exercises
  • Books. I'm grateful for books
  • Silly memes
  • If I worry about the future I will not enjoy today.
  • I am feeling the way I am because I do not feel grounded. I have uncertainty right now, but I can work through it.

Trying To Be Blue

I was in the emergency room again this morning. It turns out I had a bad reaction to mixing meds. No, I didn't do it on purpose. I tool some Zzzquill to help me sleep and then a Hydroxyzine to help feel less anxious. I took 3 pills (2 Zzzquill and 1 Hydroxyzine) twice last night. Once around 9pm and then again around 6am. I ended up feeling nausea and numb all over. I was in the ER for a few hours, and ended up getting prescribed some Ativan.

I've been trying to stay outside today. I went to Barnes and Noble, got ice cream and B&J for Free Cone Day, walked around town for a bit, and now I am at the library. I've been having a lot of trouble with my anxiety lately. My thoughts seem to go from hopeful to dark. For example:

I'm going to die one day. I'm going to be old one day. It will be here so fast.

Hopeful: I am leaving out all the stuff that will happen to me between now and then. I will get married, I will have children. When the time comes for me to go I will feel fulfilled (and probably ready)

Dark: I don't want to die. I don't want that day to come.

Hopeful: I believe in reincarnation. I believe I will live another full life. I believe I have lived other lives. Once I am dead I won't know I am dead. I will just go onto my next life.

I remember I used to joke about getting older. I remember I used to say that when I'm 50 or 60 I'm still going to be dancing in clubs. Now I just feel anxiety and fear. It's been recent as well. Then there's the night terrors. The dark thoughts come at night. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of the month, I'm going to talk to her about being put on meds for this (and my anxiety).

A while back Pete made a comment about how even if couples stay together it will end in death. I feel that's what sort of started this all. I know it's obvious, but I had never thought that way. Now when I sleep next to him I have night terrors about him getting old and dying. About waking up and finding him dead. I'm trying to look at it in a positive light. Like, the fact I can picture a long relationship is good, right? And it's not like I don't like being with him. I just get scared.

I have a horrible fear of abandonment so instead of just living day by day I wonder, "will we be together 20 years from now?", "will this last?", "am I going to get hurt again." I look at all my friends and relatives who have been together for 10, 15, 20 years. They all had to start somewhere. The concept of "forever" is scary for me. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just my borderline talking.

I want to get better at living in the moment. So, I've decided to do a few things.

1. For one week I will only go online for 1 hour. I will do this outside of my house.

2. I will meditate each day.

3. I will read each day.

4. I will try to go for a walk each day.

5. I will participate in the 100 days of happiness challenge.

This feeling is temporary. I can get through this.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Starting Fresh

My biggest problem is consistency. I'm much better at it when things are going well. I think what is important is not to be super hard on myself. Anyway, here is a list of things I want to try and do each day to make myself happier.
  • Ab workout
  • Stretch
  • Take three deep breaths
  • Tarot of the day
  • Cute animal of the day
  • Read
  • Meditate with incense
  • Something aesthetically pleasing (i.e: Pinterest, coloring, collage book)
  • Fish Oil
  • Smile
I also want to start charging my gemstones again. For some reason I haven't been doing it and I always feel better when I carry different ones with me. I am also going to hoop as much as possible, dance, and try and take more walks. Finally, when I have the money I am going to buy books on reincarnation and Buddhism (since DBT is based a lot in the latter). I feel if I am closer to my beliefs it will help me.


What else can go right? 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Update: Not Mad

Finally talked to MB. He wasn't upset at all.

Ugh, I'm way too hard on myself.

Sometimes I Wonder Why I Even Bother

I'm really frustrated with myself right now. I had such a rough week and I know it was really draining on Pete. So, all I wanted to do was prove to him that I could get through the weekend without sending him a billion texts and calling him every 5 minutes.

I was so proud of myself yesterday. I went the whole day without calling or texting him. I did stuff for me, and I even worked on how to improve myself. I ended up texting him later that night and he told me he'd call me later when he was done hanging out with his friend. I did so good with being patient, and I even did well when he text me to tell me he wouldn't be available to talk that night. I asked him if I could call him the next day, and he said yes but didn't give me a specific time.

Well, apparently it was all pointless. I've basically been calling and texting every 2-3 hours since noon and of course I'm now panicky that I've once again screwed everything up. All I am thinking is, "welp, he is probably just going to be mad and focus on how much I've fucked up today."

I knew he was hanging with his friend this weekend
I knew he was sugaring
I knew he didn't have his phone

But did that stop me? No. Of course not.

I'm so mad at myself.

I've been trying to calm myself down. I went to Barnes & Noble for a bit, made some tea, added photos to my collage book, watched a bunch of Jenna Marbles videos, went through my junk draw and old papers.

I've been taking my medication as well.

I'm just afraid it's too late and I've messed things up.

Panic. Why can't I do anything right? I was doing so well. But now he's not even going to see that. He's just going to see how much I've messed up today.

I'm trying to calm myself.

I feel so frustrated :(

I wish I did well all weekend. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Improving My Life

If my life is going to get better I need to start making changes. I want to live and I want to make each day count. I was thinking about what has made me happy in the past. So, starting today I will go back to doing the following:

  • No Sweets: For those who were not part of my life at the time I had a set of, "rules" which included, "no alcohol", "no fast food", "no soda", and "no sweets". These rules were broken 3-4 tims on specific days of the year (pre-set by me). I had different reasons for doing each one. The no alcohol came from the fact I was hanging out with straight edge people at the time, and for other personal reasons. No soda and no fast food was to help make myself feel healthier as was no sweets. No sweets was also something I did to help me feel more grounded and in control of things. No sweets had 3 exceptions: Jelly Belly beans, Fro Yo, and certain drinks. I've stuck with no Alcohol and soda, but haven't been doing perfect with no fast food and even less so with no sweets. I just remembered I felt a lot better when I was doing it.
  • Zumba Abs: I have  a 20 minute zumba work out I used to do every morning. I'm going to start again.
  • Fish Oil: Going to start taking it again each day. I was for a while, but stopped for some reason.
  • Hooping: Warmer weather is coming. Time to start hooping more.
  • Meditation: I am going to try and do 10-15 minutes of deep breathing each day. It's hard for me to sit for long periods of time so I will start slow.
  • Smile More: Just 'cause I should
  • Blogging: Because writing is therapy :)
  • Continue Therapy: As well as get on good anti anxiety meds
  • Read More: I want to try and not just read, but go to book stores and coffee shops to read. I think getting out and not always being alone is going to be good for me.
  • Remind People How I Feel: I want to try and tell people I care about them as often as I can. Life is too short for anger.
  • Buy Reincarnation Books: My belief in reincarnation has always comforted me. Life is all about birth, death, and rebirth. The seasons, night and day, nature. It all revolved around cycles of life and death. For some reason that is comforting to me.
I want to be better, healthier, and happier. It's time to start making changes.

Struggles and Medication

It's been a really rough week. I was in the emergency room 3 times because of panic and anxiety attacks, and I've been struggling with dark and depressing thoughts. It all started last Sunday when I suddenly started thinking about getting older and eventually dying. Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about it.

My therapist says it's because I do not feel grounded. I also think I need to be on some sort of medication. I was given some ativan by the one of the ERs, but all it really did was make me drowsy. My Doctor prescribed me Hydroxyzine (I think that's the name). I'm going to go pick it up in a little bit. I also plan on making an appointment with a Psychiatrist to talk about going on something permanent.

I'm hoping going back to doing my podcast will help. I'm also going to start meditating and hooping again soon. Haven is also coming up, and I plan on going.

I just want to feel better again.