Thursday, March 6, 2014

Thinking Opposite

Being opposite is hard. My brain is so conditioned to think that a certain way will work, even though it never has before. I hung out with him last night, and I did the best I could to just relax, have fun, and not worry. I did my best to just be his friend.

We spent the night reading each other stuff we'd written: poems, stories, blog posts, etc. We also had intimate time and I slept in his arms. That part can be hard for me because I'm so used to defining things. I asked him if we're friends with benefits and he said, "we're friends." I thought about questioning it. If we're friends, we're clearly not platonic friends. Is he just using me for sex now? Is there hope in the future?

I stopped myself. That was my old way of thinking. That was the way of thinking that caused him to want to take a step back. Always trying to define things, to force them. That's not how I want to be. As strange and foreign as it is for me, I'm determined to just "let it be". Why nitpick? He enjoys my company, I enjoy physical closeness, no need to analyze everything.

The last time someone told me they wanted to, "scale back to friends" I ended up having a complete psychological break down, they stopped talking to me for a year and a half, and my life spiraled out of control. I'm determined to not let history repeat itself.

My brain wants to tell me otherwise, it wants to lie and tell me that my normal reactions are the way to go. That somehow this time being a complete obsessive basket case will be different from all the other times. My own brain lies to me, and battling against it is the biggest challenge I've had to face.

It's like going your whole life believing something then suddenly someone tells you you're wrong, and they prove you're wrong. You don't want to believe it because you've gotten so comfortable believing the original thing.

Some may say by writing these posts I am fixating, but this is my way of getting it out of my head so it doesn't stay in.

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