Friday, March 28, 2014

The Musings of a Star Sapphire

All relationships have a starting point.

Some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again. My feelings for Pete are getting stronger. I notice myself feeling really proud of him when he tells me certain things, and I feel really overwhelmed sometimes when I'm around him. He's sexy, smart, funny, talented, sweet, caring, and he makes me so happy. The only reason I'm ever unhappy around him is because of my damn borderline logic. I'm working on that harder than I ever have. Not for him, but for myself, and because I've spent so long screwing good things up, and he's a good thing. Maybe it's because I'm sick and possibly delirious, but I think I love him. At the very least I keep falling for him.

I guess I'm just a fool who's willing, to sit around and wait for you. I have never stuck with a guy this long without things being official. As it stands right now, he hasn't even confirmed we're dating again. I admit, it's really confusing. Especially when he makes jokes where he refers to me as his girlfriend, tells me I'm the "perfect woman", tells me I'm beautiful all the time, does things with/for me he's never done with a girl before (I don't mean that in a sexual way), asks to spend extra time with me on his own free will, says he misses me, and so many other things that tell me he sees me as more than a friend. It's not even that, he's told me he has feelings for me.

I won't give up on us, even when the skies get rough. I don't want to push him, and I'm trying so hard to be patient. I know he's scared, but I am too. I'm so used to getting hurt, that I'm programmed to assume any relationship I have will end. I want to get married someday, I want to have kids, I want to grow old with someone, and I don't want to be like my parents and have forever end with a divorce, but forever is a long time. It scares me, to the point I have nightmares. I know I'm suppose to be taking things one day at a time, but when I close my eyes my life always fast forwards. I try to picture all the stuff in between now and the end, but it's hard. I can't picture my self in a long term relationship. Not because I don't want one, but because I've never really had one.

Can anybody find me, somebody to love? I always try to rush things, and I told him that I am willing to go as slow as he wants. I would rather do slow and hard with him than fast and easy with someone else. I hope he sees that even though it's been a short amount of time, I have stuck by him. No matter what.  And you know what? 3+ months may not seem like a long time, but for me it is. We're talking about the girl who has gone a month tops (and that was just once) before making things official with someone. If he didn't like me, if he didn't still kiss me, if it wasn't obvious that he has feelings for me I wouldn't wait for him, but he does.

Something 'bout the chase. I have never devoted myself so much to a guy who hasn't even told me if we're dating. I'm a hopeless romantic (forever a Star Sapphire), and maybe that's my downfall. Sometimes I think that maybe I need to be more cynical, play hard to get, but that's not me. I believe in love. He could decide at any moment he just wants to be platonic friends, he could run away across the country, we could be together 10 years and break up. But as much as I know that any of that would hurt, it still doesn't stop me from wanting to be with him.

I said' 'scuse  me, you're a hell of a guy. I don't care if it takes me another 6 months just for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. I've never been like this with someone. It's scary, but I'd rather be unlabeled and with him than labeled and with someone else.  I just wish he'd at least confirm if we're dating/mono. I'm trying very hard to do things differently this time. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. Hell, maybe this is just another BPD obsession, but I don't think it is. I think the fact that I have not walked away to look for something that doesn't require as much patience says a lot.

Mama mia, here I go again. My, my how can I resist ya? I don't want to rush into a relationship, and I don't want to spend my time wondering if it's another BPD obsession. People tell me I should walk away, find someone that doesn't require as much work. I think the fact I am sticking by him shows that what I am feeling is real. I know I say that about pretty much every guy I date, and that has been true twice. J and T. I was in love with them, and despite past history and even current I still care for them very much (especially T, who was really my first real true love). The way I feel about Pete is the same way I felt about them, then add on the fact that I'm still waiting and being patient. Well, I think my heart knows what it wants.

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. I love the time we spend together, I love being with him, and yes I get scared that he's going to come home from work and tell me he's taking off to another country or that he just wants to be platonic friends. But, if I have to explain why I don't care, then you haven't been reading this post. The reason it's so hard for me when I dream about getting older is that while I'm toward the end of my life, I still have my brain as it is right now. I know there is so much more in between now and then and when you build, cherish and reflect on every moment, forever and the future doesn't seem as scary. If he doesn't want to label things yet that's fine. I'm not about to ask him to go riding off into the sunset with me to make babies on a white sandy beach.

I just want to know if we're dating, if we're mono. Last I checked he told me we were "friends", but I know he'd be jealous if I was with another guy, and I would feel terrible. I don't feel like he's stringing me along, I never have. I just need some sense of foundation. I don't want to feel like I'm floating in limbo. If he's not ready to call me his girlfriend then I will understand, and if all I get for now is, "I want to date you/be monogamous with you" then that is more than enough for me. It will help me understand better, and have better clarity. I'm scared though, I'm scared to ask him again because I'm scared of what he'll say. He doesn't know when or if he'll be ready to take the next step, but he needs to understand that he is so worth the wait. Maybe we'll fizzle out after a few months, maybe we'll be together until we are old. Either way, I just want to know that we have a starting point.

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