Monday, March 31, 2014

The End

For the past day I have not been able to stop thinking about getting older and dying. I keep having panic and anxiety attacks. I've tried so hard to get through it using DBT skills, but nothing seems to be working. Maybe writing things out will help? I think I will write out what my emotion is thinking, and then try to respond in wise mind.

  1. What if I am alone for the rest of my life? Even if I never get married I won't be alone. I have my sister, my brothers, and any kids they may have. Franny never got married or had kids, but she was never alone.
  2. What if it comes to quickly? It may seem quick, but just enjoy life day by day and as it's passing it won't seem so fast.
  3. I don't want to deal with people around me dying: It happens, suck it up sister. No really, you've gotten through it before, haven't you?
  4. I'm scared of aging: I won't do it alone. I'll have people around me growing old with me.
  5. I don't want to be 70 and living some place alone: Ask to be put in a nursing home.
I know there is so much more for me to experience, and I'll feel much more fulfilled when I'm old. Plus people are living longer and longer. Maybe when I'm old it will get to the point where I'm like 120 and saying, "OMG CAN I JUST DIIIIIE ALREADY?!"

I don't know why I'm so preoccupied with this, and once I think I'm done dwelling, it comes up again. I guess it's a good thing. I mean I deal with suicidal ideation, and here I am worrying about my life ending.

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