Thursday, March 13, 2014

Struggles and Second Chances

I'm having a hard time letting go of my job. I keep hearing that students are asking for me, and my 1:1 misses me a lot. It breaks my heart because she thinks I left because of her. I hate that she didn't get any closure, that I just disappeared. I saw an old student, and I broke down and cried.

I struggled yesterday. I hadn't talked to Pete since the night before and he wasn't responding to my texts all day. I kept trying to tell myself that he was probably just busy at work, and not to text him. I told myself to wait until at least a little after 3:00 when he got out. But the more I tried to push it out of my head, the more my head fought back. "He's mad at you," "he's getting ready to give you bad news," "it was something you said, how could you be so stupid?" I fought so hard against it, but eventually I gave in and texted him. Then I panicked, and apologized for texting him. Then I got upset, and texted again. I was driving and basically having a panic attack. Surely now I was making him even angrier. I tried to calm myself down, and tell myself he might have called out of work and been sleeping (he was in a lot of pain the night before). My heart was racing, I couldn't breath, and I was doing my best to calm myself down. I was supposed to see him that night, but now I was wondering if that would happen.

Despite the feeling of panic and dread, I managed to ignore it. After all, it was only about an hour until 3 O'clock. Then, while I was on my way to an appointment, he sent me a text asking if I was still coming over and that he couldn't wait to see me. I immediately calmed down, and was happy he seemed perfectly fine. Oh, and it turns out I was right. He had called out that day and was sleeping.

Later that night I went over to his place, and we ended up talking about things. He still likes me and has feelings for me, and he said  hit on a lot things about him (I basically wrote out my feelings and read them to him). He told me to give him another week of isolation to think about things and figure out if he's up for dating. He admitted he'd be jealous if I was with another guy, and he likes be monogamous with me. He just has a lot going on in his head, and I can understand that. On the plus side the next morning when I said, "see you next week," he seemed upset he'd have to wait that long and said he'd like to see me sooner.

So, now I'm trying my best not to dwell on it or what his response will be. I know if I do that I will end up hounding and nagging, and that will hurt my chances.

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